A few months ago I got news. It was something that I partly expected and partly hoped would not come. Still it came. Coincidentally enough, that same day, I was scheduled to see my therapist. So when she asked "what's new?" I spilled the beans using all the vocabulary that I could find to express how I felt and "good" wasn't one of the words I would have used to described how I felt. After I was done talking, my therapist said “And yet, here you are, smiling, cracking jokes and saying ‘I will ride this one out and make it work’”. I had a weird sense of calm because I was expecting the storm will hit, but I was less certain about when. And I guess at that time, because the cat was finally out of the bag, I could finally stop holding my breath. I could start breathing again.
I love how Iyanla Vanzant once said that sometimes our spirit catches things before we consciously (and physically) catch them. This was an instance where I did. And I had time to go through the emotional process, so when the tsunami hit, I had already come to terms with it. Or so I thought. One thing that I have noticed though going through this journey called life, is that it takes a minute for my emotions to catch up. So I eventually kept a tab open about how the calm that I was sitting in was possibly a precursor of an emotional tsunami that could hit at any given time. And it did. Much sooner than anticipated. This time however, instead of judging myself, I gave myself the greatest gift I could have, one that I so deeply needed; not only from myself but from the world: I gave myself kindness, compassion and understanding. I gave myself permission to be okay with the fact yes I had come to term with what was happening but “Boy does it suck!” to quote Brené. It did suck. And in the moment where I broke down in silent tears and sobs, all I could hear, while convincing myself that I knew the outcome and that things would turn out the way they did, was literally Brené Brown saying “you took a risk. You failed. And it sucks but you showed up”. Not very helpful but weirdly comforting as I am currently traveling through her book Rising Strong (I guess God already had everything lined up for me to have a lifeline because He knew how fast things were going to get real). Comforting because it gave me permission to sit in my feelings instead of going with the story line that I had already mentally rehearsed in order to override them and go to the next things. I gave myself permission to stop minimizing my situation by way of derision or fake (or real) optimism. I gave myself permission to stop trying to climb out of the hole I was in so fast. I simply gave myself permission to say “it sucks” while siting in the emotional hole and really feel that pain without heat, without judgement. I gave myself permission to be vulnerable with myself and to be human. And it sounds so silly to write but there have been plenty of time where I denied myself the opportunity to be vulnerable with myself, not to mention with the rest of the world. I simply couldn’t because of (again) the stories that I kept telling myself: “I do not have time to feel this” and “If I give into this emotionally, I am not sure I will come out the other way” But me being here is proof that I have come out the other side before and that I will again. And guess what? Things worked out in the end.
As I got news today (not the kind I expected to hear), I figured this was the perfect post for the moment. Not only to encourage someone out there reading this post, but also to encourage myself. To remind myself that knowing that the outcome of a decision will be unfavorable, taking a risk, failing and being okay with it, doesn’t take away from the fact that it still sucks. It is okay to create space for feelings such as disappointment and sadness when things do not work out. Sitting with those feelings and processing them doesn't make us weak but instead work our resiliency muscle and give us a pathway to come out the other side when we go through the storm again. Failure -whether we expect it or not- sucks. And there is no part about admitting it that is weak. But to know, to admit it and to feel it and to try again, is the biggest proof of how strong we can possibly be in the face of trials and adversity. Failure is not the end and a delay is not a denial. In due time, things will happen the way they are supposed to and the tides will turn, so be encouraged.
Until next time,
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