Help Is On The Way

"Feelings buried alive do not die: they fester and they show up as inappropriate behaviors"

I will never forget the day I heard those words from Iyanla vanzant. It was as if everything suddenly fell into place for me: as far as how I was living my own life, but also as far as how I had grown up and the things that I had witnessed. It wasn’t anything horrific; if anything at all, it was the usual and normal dysfunction that you would see in most families. It sounds like a paradox but if you have grown up in an environment where dysfunction was normalized from one generation to another, then you know it makes sense even when it doesn’t. Another day I will never forget, is also a day when everything went particularly wrong and in that moment I thought “Gosh, if I offed myself I would be SO Much better”. That particular day, at that very moment, I was sitting on the floor in my kitchen and stayed there for what felt like hours. It was as if I was there but my mind just blanked. And when I came back, I called my sister and talked to her because I was afraid I was going to do something. I was afraid I was going to hurt myself and the people that I loved in the process and cause irreparable damage. In the upcoming weeks, I started looking and asking for help. And that is how I got into therapy. The rest is history.

The most common misconception about suicide is that people crossing the line want to die and that it is the "easy way out". But the reality is that a lot of people can plan to kill themselves but only strong people actually do it. Another paradox. If you have ever almost drowned or found yourself in a situation where you almost died, you know how powerful your survival instincts can be. You know and have witnessed how your body can almost instantly turn into a machine and make you do things that, upon reflecting back, you think : “ I never thought I had so much strength” or “ I never thought I could one day in my life do this”. If you know how strong those survival instincts are, then you know how strong you have to be to override them and cross that final line when everything in you is fighting to stay alive. Suicide ideation is not always (or necessarily) “I want to die”; sometimes it is- I am speaking from my own perspective and experience- “I want to stop feeling that pain” and at the moment, death feels like the only, ultimate and most efficient way. I for sure thought that. And after years of being in therapy and surrounded by the most supportive and amazing people I could have asked for, I cannot lie to you and say that the idea of leaving on my own terms doesn't cross my mind anymore. It does once in a while... But when it does, I throw away the mantle of shame that kept me struggling for years and I reach out. I talk when I feel on the edge, when the pressure is too much and things are getting out of hand. But you shouldn’t have to wait that long. Nobody should have to. Why? Because by the time some of us get to that point it is too late and irreparable damage has already been done. I grew up in a culture where we did not normalize talking about those things. You know… Feelings? Mental health? Being depressed? Because more often than not, people struggling with mental health issues are met with shame and told that that’s just the way life is and you have to “toughen up”- whatever that means. Growing up in Africa and being black, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people around me dub depression as “white people problem”. And if you hold that statement as a magnifying glass, you can see why the rate of suicide in the black community is growing at an alarming rate. You also can see why people of color struggle to seek help when things start unraveling. Not only is there a race stigma but also a propaganda along the lines of “therapy is for the weak” that is creating mass graves where more and more people, black and white, young and old, male and female are heading and being buried into. Literally and figuratively.

To be vulnerable and talk about your struggles is not being weak. To seek help and support is not being weak. It is the greatest act of courage you can ever model and demonstrate. An act of courage that can also save someone’s life because believe me, the biggest lie you can tell yourself is that nobody is watching. Someone is ALWAYS watching you and what you do and say can do or undo someone’s destiny, life and future. You deserve to be here. You matter. You are loved and you are seen. I cannot tell you what the other side feels like because everyday is a new day, a different day and just like any other journey, it has its ups and downs. But one thing that I can tell you for sure, is that it gets better. It takes time and work and accountability but it does get better. And you will get better but only if you stick around and show up everyday, will you be able to witness it, see it, live it like I did. And I pray you do. 

If you are looking for a sign to keep fighting, this is your sign right here. If you are feeling like giving up, I pray this article right here will be your life line. I want to leave you with this closing blessing that the Bishop of my Church speaks over the congregation every Sunday without fail. It has deeply blessed me and kept me in some of the hardest days that I have gone through and I have faith it will do that for you too. It is titled The Priestly Blessing over God's people (found in Numbers 6:24-26) and it goes like this: 

MAY the Lord bless you and protect you (look after you, shield you, defend you, and take care of you)

MAY the Lord make His face shine (grin, beam, and show His pleasure) on you and, may the Lord be gracious, kindhearted pleasant, and compassionate) to you.

MAY the Lord show you His favor that will (promote you, appreciate you, support you, and side with you as you side with Him) And Finally...

MAY the Lord give you HIS SHALOM: His peace, His rest, His harmony, His calmness, His composure, His prosperity, His success

And may the Lord remove anything that causes agitation or discord with His Divine Purpose and Destiny for Your Life. I bless you in the Name of Jesus Christ!

PS: There is a song too! Actually two versions of it that you can find here and here.

PSS: If you need prayer and support you can find it here and here.

Hang in there Beloved, Help is coming! Praying for you and over you because you matter and the world needs you, whether you believe it or not. 

Until next time, 

Life Sucks. And It's Okay.

A few months ago I got news. It was something that I partly expected and partly hoped would not come. Still it came. Coincidentally enough, that same day, I was scheduled to see my therapist. So when she asked "what's new?" I spilled the beans using all the vocabulary that I could find to express how I felt and "good" wasn't one of the words I would have used to described how I felt. After I was done talking, my therapist said “And yet, here you are, smiling, cracking jokes and saying ‘I will ride this one out and make it work’”. I had a weird sense of calm because I was expecting the storm will hit, but I was less certain about when. And I guess at that time, because the cat was finally out of the bag, I could finally stop holding my breath. I could start breathing again. 

I love how Iyanla Vanzant once said that sometimes our spirit catches things before we consciously (and physically) catch them. This was an instance where I did. And I had time to go through the emotional process, so when the tsunami hit, I had already come to terms with it. Or so I thought. One thing that I have noticed though going through this journey called life, is that it takes a minute for my emotions to catch up. So I eventually kept a tab open about how the calm that I was sitting in was possibly a precursor of an emotional tsunami that could hit at any given time. And it did. Much sooner than anticipated. This time however, instead of judging myself, I gave myself the greatest gift I could have, one that I so deeply needed; not only from myself but from the world: I gave myself kindness, compassion and understanding. I gave myself permission to be okay with the fact yes I had come to term with what was happening but “Boy does it suck!” to quote Brené. It did suck. And in the moment where I broke down in silent tears and sobs, all I could hear, while convincing myself that I knew the outcome and that things would turn out the way they did, was literally Brené Brown saying “you took a risk. You failed. And it sucks but you showed up”. Not very helpful but weirdly comforting as I am currently traveling through her book Rising Strong (I guess God already had everything lined up for me to have a lifeline because He knew how fast things were going to get real). Comforting because it gave me permission to sit in my feelings instead of going with the story line that I had already mentally rehearsed in order to override them and go to the next things. I gave myself permission to stop minimizing my situation by way of derision or fake (or real) optimism. I gave myself permission to stop trying to climb out of the hole I was in so fast. I simply gave myself permission to say “it sucks” while siting in the emotional hole and really feel that pain without heat, without judgement. I gave myself permission to be vulnerable with myself and to be human. And it sounds so silly to write but there have been plenty of time where I denied myself the opportunity to be vulnerable with myself, not to mention with the rest of the world. I simply couldn’t because of (again) the stories that I kept telling myself: “I do not have time to feel this” and “If I give into this emotionally, I am not sure I will come out the other way” But me being here is proof that I have come out the other side before and that I will again. And guess what? Things worked out in the end. 

As I got news today (not the kind I expected to hear), I figured this was the perfect post for the moment. Not only to encourage someone out there reading this post, but also to encourage myself. To remind myself that knowing that the outcome of a decision will be unfavorable, taking a risk, failing and being okay with it, doesn’t take away from the fact that it still sucks. It is okay to create space for feelings such as disappointment and sadness when things do not work out. Sitting with those feelings and processing them doesn't make us weak but instead work our resiliency muscle and give us a pathway to come out the other side when we go through the storm again. Failure -whether we expect it or not- sucks. And there is no part about admitting it that is weak. But to know, to admit it and to feel it and to try again, is the biggest proof of how strong we can possibly be in the face of trials and adversity. Failure is not the end and a delay is not a denial. In due time, things will happen the way they are supposed to and the tides will turn, so be encouraged.

Until next time,