Shame is no stranger to me and I’m sure to a lot of you out there, reading that article today. I’ve lived shame, lived in it, been shamed and sometimes wrapped my identify around the shame that I was feeling. And I still sometimes do. I think the biggest problem about shame is not only what it makes us think we are, but also what it makes us feel we are not and will never be able to be (or do). My curiosity about wanting to understand my shame and find out what it was all about happened when I started listening to Brené Brown; but the reckoning and the rumbles started when I dived into the book Rising Strong. At random moments during my journey through this book and my own personal journey navigating shame and guilt, I have pondered what were the odds that out of all the books that I have, I would specifically be reading this one, at this very moment; right when I’m caught in an internal (and external) shame sh-tstorm.
I have once heard someone very close to me say that people who do bad things should be shamed however, my own experience with shame has taught me that unless there is a personal desire to change and use it as a defining turning point in life, shaming someone never makes them a better person. Shaming leads to pain and isolation. Shaming leads to despair. Shaming leads to hopelessness. Shame doesn’t make better people. Accountability does. Speaking the truth does. Empathy does. Giving people a safe space to share their story does. Doing your best to help and support with the generous assumption- to quote Brené Brown- that people are doing their best does.
I do not believe that shame makes better people, I believe that shame if pushed on people for a long time and hard enough, has the potential to literally and figuratively end their stories, not reshape them.
There have been moment in my life where I might not have verbally shamed people but I certainly did by the behaviors I exhibited towards them and by the approach of life I had. I walked the earth- especially as a Christian- portraying that Hollier-than-thou attitude when the truth is that attitude was more of a sin than someone who secretly (or openly) struggled with shame and leaned on God to find their way out of what was the root of the shame.
The reason why shame has such a big impact on us is because it directly correlates to our sense of worthiness and our identity vs just our ability to "just do". The shame of making a mistake will shift our monologue from “I made a mistake” to “what is wrong with me” or “I am so dumb/ stupid” etc… Shame has such a big impact because we tend to assimilate with it and Brené Brown put it better than I could ever explain in words when she said: “ I did a bad thing so I am a bad person” to illustrate the difference between shame and guilt.
When I think of shame, there are two people from the Bible immediately come to my mind : Mary Magdalene and Peter. One labelled by shame before meeting Christ and the other labelled and probably plagued by it after denying Jesus. What I like about those two in particular is that they did not let the weight of their shame truncate their destinies and their stories. Mary Magdalene before meeting Jesus was a prostitute. And I am sure after rallying with Jesus a lot of people still referred to her by her wrong and the subject of her shame while Jesus and God referred to her by her name. Peter was the one about which Jesus said : “ And I say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades (death) will not overpower it [by preventing the resurrection of the Christ].” Matt 16:18. Jesus knew already that Peter was going to deny him but He still made that declaration on Peter. He went further and told him :“Simon, stay on your toes. Satan has tried his best to separate all of you from me, like chaff from wheat. Simon, I’ve prayed for you in particular that you not give in or give out. When you have come through the time of testing, turn to your companions and give them a fresh start.” Luke 22:32. And although I had never thought of it this way, I want to think maybe Jesus wanted Him to have something to hold onto so that he wouldn’t be taken out by shame. Maybe Jesus wanted Him to have something to hold onto when the thoughts “ I am a bad person, I am not worthy” stormed him so that he would be reminded that he still has purpose; so that he would be reminded that shame is not the end and that even if we had a choice, we wouldn't let it be the end. I think Jesus wanted to remind him that his humanity would fail him but it would not be enough to stop God’s sovereign plan or change God’s mind about him or the mission He gave him.
If you are wrestling with shame know that it can be a turning point, a defining moment in life or it could be the end but only if you let it. You might feel like the worst human being on this earth for one reason or another, you might feel like you are not even worthy of being on this earth but know that God has you here for a purpose. You are accounted for in God’s Sovereign plan, He loves you and can turn what you see as a mess into a masterpiece. Nothing can make you fall out of God’s hands. And although you might be going through the storm and weeping, know that there is hope on the other side. Lean onto God, find safe people to shine light onto the darkness in which shame reigns and trust that as long as you are willing to let God write your story, you will get to the other side of this storm. I might not know a lot but one thing I know for sure, is that God is a redeemer.
Until next time,
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