Made For Such A Time As This

“If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place but you and your relatives will die. Who know if perhaps you were made queen for just a time such as this? ” 

Esther 4:14 

I am one of those people who believe that everything happens for a reason: for a greater purpose or because we are stupid and we don’t always make the right decisions. The second one might not seem like a “valid reason” but it still is one. I will not argue with you: argue with yourself. I had originally written this post as part of a chapter in my second memoir but with the current states of things, I found it more than fitting for it to have its place on this platform because someone needs to be reminded that they're made for such a time as this. 

So to come back to my point: everything happens for a reason and sometimes it doesn’t always make sense until you get all the way to the other side of what you are going through and then it finally hits you and you’re like “OH! THAT is what all of this was about” God is the best chess player: He got moves for eternity and one of the reasons why is because He created the world. He created every single one of them and knows the storyline of our lives even before we were created. He knows every twist and turn and every plot-twist we have ever experienced in life and will ever experience in life has been designed by Him. I like the story of Esther because in the times where I struggle the most with impostor syndrome and some of the hardship that I go through in life, it reminds me that God orchestrated for me to be in those places in life but also physically for a purpose. He put me in those places because there is something in me that is only specific to me, that can turn things around. I am not saying that I am the best but I am saying that there is something about the way He made me, something about my idiosyncrasies, something about the way my DNA is wired that led God to position me where I am. And sometimes it isn’t even about me or what God wants to do for me. Sometimes it is about what God wants to do around me and within people that He can only do until I am on board. 

The more I dwell in God’s word, the more I realize that although there is a part of our story that is about us, the majority of it is about the people surrounding us. I am learning to slowly understand and come to terms with the fact that my story doesn’t belong to me. It is a platform that God wants to use to change someone’s life. I am learning that I can’t just do whatever I want with my life. I just can’t give up on myself and my breakthrough because someone else’s breakthrough might depend on mine. I can’t just afford to live any kind of way because there are lives attached to the outcome of mine whether I want it of not. Made for such a time as this… David could have asked God why out of all of the days that he picked to visit his brothers it would be that day that Goliath would be there or why he was the one keeping the sheep why his other brothers were getting exposure. But instead, David did not flinch; and when Saul reminded him that he had no experience as a soldier, so knowledge/ training when it came to war, he responded with elements of the divine curriculum that he went through. He said: “I have been taking care of my father’s sheep and goats. When a lion or a bear comes to steal a lamb from the flock, I go after it with a club and rescue the lamb from its mouth. If the animals turn on me, I catch it by the jaw and club it to death. I have done this to both lions and bears, and I’ll do it to this pagan Philistine, too, for he has defied the armies of the living God! The Lord who rescued me from the lion and the bear will rescue me from this Philistine” (1 Samuel 17: 34-37) 

As a class of 2020 graduate, I, like most students here in the US and around the world, didn't get to walk the stage and collect my diploma nor did I get to have a graduation party. However, I did tuned into the Dear Class of 2020 YouTube Originals and got my share of cheering and congratulations but also, my share of crying because every address reminded me of how long and hard the walk to that degree was for me. From the way it started all the way to the end. Although a lot of useful advice were given, addresses were powerful and moving, one of the things that I wrote down and took with me and that I believe is so fitting for this post is "Why not and why not me?" by Russell Westbrook. 

As the class of 2020, we have been dubbed as the class of Resilience because of all we have been able to achieve in the midst of a pandemic but also with regards to the current situation in the US. We are dubbed as the generation that can and most likely will change the world because we have been through SO MUCH and still we rose. Still we rise. And we keep walking towards the things we want, ready to own them; towards the territories we have laid our eyes on, ready to conquer them. As a black woman a who just graduated AND just turned 29, two major events within the same year, at a short time interval, I cannot help but think of it as another way for God to tell me that it is time, that I am ready to level up no matter how unprepared or incapable I feel, no matter how messy and chaotic I think the world is. God is saying "it is time, you are ready and through the tears, the fire and the high water tides, the sleepless night, the highs and the lows, the valleys and the mountains, the heartbreaks and the setbacks, you were made and shaped for such a time as this". And if this is true for me friend, it certainly is for you. 

God makes no mistake. God wastes nothing. Everything we go through has a purpose in God’s curriculum even when we see it as a waste. Every detail is important to God that is why we need to pay attention and seek God’s direction in order to do what He has called us to do instead of what we want to do because God’s way is the best way. God gives his hardest battles to the best soldier. There is something about your life, your walk, your story that will serve you or someone one day so do not give up. Do not back down and remember no matter what you go through that you have been formed, made in God’s image, anointed for such a time as this; to show the word that this mountain can be moved and it will. 

Congratulations to the class of 2020 and especially to all the black young kings and queens who were ever told they would never make it, who had to fight their way through to that degree or who simply followed the path of excellence that was traced before them. 

Chiiiile... WE MADE IT and WE'RE READY TO LEAD THE WAY INTO CHANGE.

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Go Back To The Broken Dreams: A Love Letter From God

Last Sunday was Mothers day and when I think of motherhood (one of the best kinds of hoods), the first things that come to me are birthing and nurturing. And although this article was inspired by those two aspects of motherhood, the audience it is addressed to is not limited by factors such as the ability to physically give birth and the innate ability/inclination of women to be nurturers. I started writing this article thinking of mothers but quickly realized that it was meant to speak to the divine ability that God has put in each and everyone of us to birth and nurture our visions and dreams. 

The birthing of a vision can be painful and more or less long, a little bit at the image of the labor as a woman is about to give birth. And just like with birthing a baby, it doesn't always happen on our timeline and/or terms; no matter how much we try and how much efforts we put into it. As good people and/or Christians, although we have been trained/raised to praise God for what He does for other people, there is always the "why not me" sting and the silent sobs that quickly catch up to us in the quiet moments. Transparency moment: I have been through this. I have traveled down this road and felt the heartbreak when I did everything I could possibly do, prayed every prayer I could possibly pray and yet, "it" didn't happen for me. Yes I am a Christian and I have heard countless times sermons on trusting God's sovereign plan and timing, especially when things don't go my way. But beyond the inner, spiritual being, there is also the human part that feels heartbroken and aches over every broken and/or dead dream and/or vision that never come to pass

These past days, I have spent a lot of time in the books of Ezra and Nehemiah. And as I progressed through these books, God helped understand that not all broken dreams should be discarded and not all dead dreams should be buried. But most importantly, He reminded me that even if we bury those dreams, He can still bring them back to life like He did times and times again in the Bible because, between me and you: He is still that God. 

So let me give a little context to the book of Nehemiah before I get to the heart of my article: Israel is taken into exile in Babylon but a few of them remain in Jerusalem. Nehemiah who is one of the exiles, inquires of those left behind to new comers and wants to know how is Jerusalem doing. And of course, the answers to both questions is BAD. So Nehemiah seeks God and then, while attending to the King, asks him permission to return to Judah for a while so that he could rebuild the city (mainly the wall and the Temple as noted in Nehemiah and Ezra respectively). With the king's approval, Nehemiah got started on the vision/ mission God had put on his heart to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem and the Temple. 

The ruins and rubles depicted in these two books (two books= two different accounts of the same story) represent what is left of the "old" glory (the things we had and lost) but also our dead dreams and lost hope. Ezra, Nehemiah and the other men going back to rebuild the Temple and the Wall of Jerusalem represent those of us that God is calling to go back to the broken dreams in order to rebuild them alongside to the people He has appointed for us to successfully carry the mission to completion. Considering that the mission came from God, we might assume that it would be a walk in the park but it is quite the opposite: this mission was full of threats, deceit and I am sure times where Nehemiah wanted to give up otherwise he wouldn't have prayed to God for strength (Nehe 6:6). Dealing with broken dreams/ lost hope can feel the same: it can bare the same dangers/ threats and the weight of it might, at time, make us feel like it is too much to handle. The triage and sorting, the cleaning and de-cluttering can be overwhelming for us but as much as it is for us, it isn't so to God. All we have to do is ask God for strength the way Nehemiah did and go back to the vision surrounded by the right people.

God used this devotional through the books of Nehemiah and Ezra to remind me that He is the God that can make something beautiful out of the ruins if we let Him. This reminder didn't necessarily take the pain away, but it helped me realize that sometimes, the dreams have to be shattered so that God can rearrange the pieces in a way that best suits his plan - whether it means removing pieces to make room for other things or adding more pieces in order to bring us to the realization that He can do "exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20). It also helped replace the grief with hope as I came to the realization that just because some of my dreams are broken, it doesn't mean that God can't use them. More importantly, journeying through those two books helped put in perspective the fact that the place where the ruins and chaos lay today can be (and will be) home to something beautiful in the time appointed by God; home to something that has more weight and glory than what was (Hag 2:9), home to something that will one day make me forget the trials and tribulations I ever had to walk through.

God also reminded me that the early stages of going back to those dreams, picking them up from the recycling bin and starting to work on them again might look like nothing; but just because it does look like nothing, doesn't mean that nothing is happening. When Elijah told Ahab that he had to eat and leave because the rain was coming, it wasn't raining yet. Elijah went to pray on the Carmel then sent his servant to look for any sign of rain. His servant went and looked again and again until the seventh time and even when he saw the cloud, he told Elijah it is just a small cloud. Those times where Elijah's servant went to look and saw nothing, there was something happening, it just wasn't visible until it was. And what he called a "small cloud" was what brought a "huge cloudburst" (1 kings 18: 41-46).

You might probably be tired. You might have probably given up on your dreams and if you're anything like me, you might have scoffed at a few of them as you angrily threw them in the trash can. But God is moving them to the recycling bin and He is saying "Go back and rebuild it.Go back to the dead ones. The ones that seem like nothing can come out of them again. The ones you thought couldn't be salvaged. Go back to them and pick them up for I will breathe life into them again. Go back to your dreams and start working on them again." (Eze 37) 

And it is okay if you can't right now. If you're too tired. If you have no strength. Rest here for a little bit. Catch your breath, cry if you must. And when you have done all of this and some more, go back to those dreams and try again, this time with God. 

Until next time,

New [Face] Beat, Who Dis? Part 1

Hello and welcome back!

I have been MIA for a minute due to life obligations but seems like life itself is asking the entire earth to take a break (and it only had to ask once!)

well thanks Rona *insert eyeroll*

So, since all I seem to have now is time, I decided to do something I have always wanted to incorporate into my blog but was never able to (due to the inability of procrastinating self and creative self to agree): I decided to finally post makeup looks (not tutorials- sorry) and review products that I have bought and used. So let's get into it! 

Look #1

Look number one was created using the following products:

Eyes: Filled in my brows using Covergirl easy breezy brow in the color 115 (deep) then used NYX HD Concealer in the shade cappucino to define them as well as for my base to do my eye makeup.

For my transition shade I used the Huda Beauty Warm brown obsessions palette, then dipped into the same palette using a darker brown to add depth to the eyes.

I then used the Too Faced Chocolate Bonbons palette to create the smoky look.

The color is much darker in person. More like a dark shimmery greenish-grey.

I went back to the NYX concealer to do a cut crease then applied a bronzy-shimmery shade from The Nubian palette (Juvia's place) on top of it.

Excuse the appearance of my palette y'all but it's been on the line of duty since 2016

Using the same color from the Too Faced palette,  I blended the smoky and the shimmery color  before going back to the Huda Beauty palette again, using my transition color to blend the edge around the dark color (see respective palettes above for colors)

I then finished the eye look with NYX vynil liquid eyeliner (winged eyelined) and I applied Charlotte Tilbury Full Fat Lashes.

Face: For my base I used NYX Bare With Me Tinted Skin Veil Moisturizer in the shade Deep Mocha along with its primer: NYX angel veil skin perfecting primer. I have used the Tinted skin veil moisturizer before but it was my first time using it with the primer. It wasn't bad. It is very shimmery so if you do not like shimmer anything, you might want to stay away from it. The tinted skin veil is not bad either, but it is a bit drying hence can look a *little* ashy and cakey. I always make sure that my face is moisturized well prior to applying my makeup and also that I exfoliate to avoid dry patches.

also it is light to medium coverage so if full coverage is your thing this product is not for you.

*Bonus: if you have oily skin, I recommend spraying your face with the Morphe Continous setting spray after you have applied your foundation to your face THEN blend your foundation. It helps with longevity. Don't thank me: thank Auntie Jackie

yes auntiiiiie! yaaaaaasssss

I reverse-contoured using NYX HD Concealer in the shade Cappucino. I applied it under my eyes, on my jaw , forehead and nose then I blended using a damp beauty blender. It pulls a STRONG yellow when dry so I would advise going a shade darker or balancing with a darker foundation or setting powder. 

Once I was done with the contouring, I set my under eye area with a mix of Maybelline Fit Me loose finishing powder in the shade deep 40 and NYX Can't Stop Won't Stop setting powder in the shade banana. I dipped my damp beauty blender into the dark shade, then into the banana powder, tapped off the excess and applied it onto the under eye area. Then I set the rest of my face with the Maybelline Fit Me loose finishing powder.

Note: if you have dry skin, you can omit powdering the rest of your face OR you can find (and invest in) a setting spray more suited for dry skin. But! it might affect the longevity of your makeup. If you find something that doesn't, please share your miracle with a sister. Don't be greedy...

For blush and highlighter, I used NYX Sweet Cheeks glow in the shade Red Riot and Cover FX highlighting powder in the shade Candlelight.

Lips: Dior Addict lacquer plump in the color D-Fancy (926).

Here is the finished look:

Look #2

Look number two was created using all the elements from look #1 (except for the lips)

Lips: Fenty Beauty Mattemoiselle plush matte in the color Clapback (navy blue)

Here is the finished look:

My final thoughts on the products

Eyes

Huda Beauty Warm Brown Obsessions: I absolutely LOVE that palette! It has potential for elaborated looks and neutral looks. As a brown skin girl, I can say that it is 100% WOC friendly. The colors are really pigmented. It is probably the palette I reach for the most because it is compact and it has the colors that I tend to gravitate towards to create looks. It retails  for $27 at Sephora. I highly recommend and would most likely buy it again. 

The Nubian by Juvia's: Also another great WOC friendly palette. Unlike the Huda beauty palette this one is strickly brown shades from light to dark with a few shimmery shades. I have had a dual use out of this palette (sometimes using the shimmery shades as  highlighter- don't knock it 'til you've tried it.) so it is absolutely worth it. The palette retails for $20 at Ulta (12 shades. It's a steal y'all!)

Too Faced Chocolate Bonbons: Okay... When I first got this palette I hated how the colors blended. It was patchy and it took me a while to blend. But when I created this look, the colors blended like a dream. SO... I think maybe I didn't have the right base or I wasn't blending properly... I don't know. One thing that I know is that it blends well. HOWEVER... As a brown skin girl, there are only so many colors in this palette that do not look ashy on me. I am sure I can work my way around it but doing my makeup shouldn't be that hard. I like the palette. It smells amazing (chocolate y'all!!!). It applies like a dream but I will say this: you can do without. I was curious so I bought it (years ago) but I would not repurchase. It retailed (back then) for $49 at Macy's.

Covergirl Easy Breezy Brow: I LOVE that stuff! It's my fourth time using it and it says A LOT. It's mascara but for your eyesbrows. It stays put all day (at least for me) and gives a natural look to my brows. It is a more affordable version of the Gimme brows by Benefits Cosmetics and works just as well. I highly recommend! Retails for ~$10 at CVS.

Charlotte Tilbury Full Fat Lashes: Easily my go-to and my favorite. I discovered that brand circa 2013 thanks to Wayne Goss and when I traveled to study abroad in London got to try it and I have been a fan ever since! I have gotten so many compliments on how beautiful my lashes look when I wear it. It coats the lashes beautifuly and gives them volume, length and using the wand at different angles allows to have a fake lashes effect. ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I highly recommend and will be repurchasing soon because I am almost running out. It is a bit on the pricey side ($29) but it is totally worth it!

Face

NYX Bare With Me Tinted Skin Veil Moisturizer : As someone who loves to play with makeup but doesn't really like to wear it that much, this comes in very handy because it isn't as heavy as real foundation. It is my skin but better. However, the fact that it makes my skin appear dryer and ashy on occasions, forcing me to walk around with my Pixi spray is a bemol. Would I recommend? Yes. Do I like it? Yes but not enough to repurchase when I'm through with it. And you my friend can get it at Ulta for $9.75 

NYX HD Concealer: If you don't want your concealer to move and if you need it to dry fast that thing is a stuff from the gods and it is yours. However as a girl with dry skin I use it in moderation (mostly to clean my brows after filling them). It is radiant and will absolutely  take your makeup to the next dimension. Will I repurchase? yes. Do I recommend? 1000%! I got it from CVS but I'm sure you can find it pretty anywhere else including Walgreens, Target, Tjmaxx/Marshall or online.

Maybelline Fit Me loose finishing powder/  NYX Can't Stop Won't Stop setting powder: Absolutely STUNNING! when used the right way. They are both affordable for the amount of product you get. Again I don't wear makeup that much so they might very well last me 5 years. Just saying. I don't know if I will ever run out of these two but if I do I will certainly buy them again.

Cover FX highlighter (candlelight)/ NYX Sweet Cheeks glow (Red Riot): probably my favorite combo but also my favorites individually. I have been reaching for the NYX blush a lot more these days though because it has a subtle glow to it so I can use it as both blush and highlighter and it is buttery, blends beautifully: an absolute dream! The Cover FX highlighter delivers a LOT of punch and a little goes A LONG way! I absolutely recommend and will definitely repurchase! The Cover FX retails currently for $24 at Sephora and the NYX Sweet Cheeks glow retails for $7.50 at Ulta. 

Lips

Dior addict lacquer plump in the color D-Fancy (926): I have heard/read mixed reviews on this Dior lip product but I personally love it and I love that color. Now... It is on the pricey side ($37/ unit) But it goes a long way depending on the level of application you desire (lip tint, lipstick or glossy). It does have a weird consistency (thin and a bit liquidy; not your usual liquid lipstick) but it is OPAQUE y'all... No joke. It's very bold and the attitude (and make) should definitely match when wearing it. I do recommend and would repurchase but unfortunately this color is not available anymore (I looked y'all) so I got more reason to be frugal with this lol. 

Fenty Beauty Mattemoiselle plush matte in the color clapback (navy blue): You guys... okay... I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought that I could pull this look but Fenty made me change my mind... And I am absolutely not disappointed I got this lipstick. The pigment is out of this world and although it is a matte lipstick it is VERY comfortable on the lips. It does fade and if you hate to have a booty-hole situation like it is the case with darker lipsticks then you might want to pass. You might need to reapply especially if you are eating but for $18 (sephora)?! Even if I go through it fast (which I doubt I will), I will repurchase again! 

Well this is where we part ways (for now...). If you have used any of these products let me know what your experience was and also let me know which one of the two was your favorite look :)

Until next time!

Dear Diary: An Account Of The Things I wish I Knew Growing Up

Little miss thing and her dad, circa 1992

As long as you are on this earth, you never stop learning. I have heard that a lot. I have also heard times and times again that it is never too late to learn new things. But nobody ever talks about the time wasted doing the old and dysfunctional things, but more importantly no one talks about how in order to learn some new things sometimes, you have to unlearned things and behaviors that are at the core of who you are. It is a hard process, one that not only entails learning new things but also learning who you are as a [new] person, every step of the process as you unravel; as you fall apart to be reborn a new person who not only knows better but does better. Today I am reflecting on the things I wish someone taught me growing up, the things that could have potentially saved me from the heartaches and the heartbreaks. 

1- The importance of boundaries. 

I have always had a strong personally: always knew what I wanted, when I wanted it and who I wanted it from but one thing I didn’t have was strong boundaries. Or should I say I just did not have any boundaries period. I let people come in and take from my cup until it was empty. I let people get into the most sacred places of my life, a secret garden that I took time to curate and watched them defile them with horror and tears without being able to utter a word. Not because I didn’t want to but because I never knew how. For the sake of love. For the sake of friendship. For the sake of preserving bridges that should have been burnt a long time ago; bridges that cheated me from the one that should have rightfully be in my life. I became a accomplice of things that I managed to forgive others but still struggle to forgive myself. I learned a bit late that “boundaries are not walls you build to keep people out: they are a perimeter you establish to keep yourself [and your sanity] safe” 

2- The freedom of No’s 

“No.” is a sentence of its own. I had to learn to say no. It wasn’t always easy. It still isn’t. However, it is sometimes a necessary evil. I learned that for each time I was saying yes to something, I was saying no to something else. And sometimes those “things” I said no to were things that mattered to me. And yet times and times again, I kept on saying yes. I kept on giving even in times when I didn’t have much to give; hell, even in times when I had nothing to give, I kept giving making the people I was giving to thieves because I allowed them to take away from my cup the things that I needed to sustain my own self. I kept on giving not out of being a good person but more because of the fear of disappointing or because of that feeling of guilt within me: I had promised myself that I would always be what / who I never had growing up and so I did. At first it felt good. Then it didn’t: I felt trapped in a place where every yes felt like a burden. It took me a lot of years and a breakdown to learn how to exercise my no muscle and stand my ground, but it came with a price. A few lost friendships, a whole lot of bad rep, being called out of my name but I have learned it is a small price to pay for the freedom to do the things that matter. 

3- The power of a “yes” 

When I started saying no and establishing boundaries, it was out of self-preservation but quickly it turned into fear. Suddenly, everything was too big and too scary; a bit too much to handle for my comfortable self. I wanted to touch the sky from within myself: I wanted the beauty of living life without the risks and the hurt that might possibly come from it. No matter how comfortable my shell was, I had to follow India Arie's advice and break it to experience the world. I didn’t want to go through life feeling the rain which simply means getting by with life: I wanted to really be out there and have the whole experience of life. It is safe to say no but without new experiences, we cannot grow. I have learned to be courageous enough to say yes and to look for the lessons in everything especially in the “Ls”. And although it isn’t really something that can be taught, I wish someone had told me about it. 

4- Being comfortable with who you are 

“what is wrong with you?” I grew up hearing that a lot. So much so that I started to believe that there was something wrong with me and started to try to figure out what it was. It took me a while to realize that I was just different in my very own ways. I wasn't the typical kid, nor the typical teenager and I sure enough grew up to be a very atypical woman. It took me a solid 26 years to find out who I was and come to peace with it. I had to learn to be more compassionate with myself and to stop judging myself using a barometer that made me feel like an outcast, like a failure because it did not include the things that made me who I was. “If you judge a fish on its ability to climb on a tree of course, it is going to fail”. It was a pretty accurate description of what I was doing to myself: judging who I was based on criteria that were not applicable to myself. “Being” is not universal: it is an experience that is unique to each and every single one of us. Some things about myself still irk me, but I am learning to honor the process and by the same token honor myself through it. But, most importantly, I am learning to love myself and stand for myself in a world that more often than not, tears apart what is different because it doesn’t understand it. 

5- Taking the “Ls” as a champ and maneuvering life’s setbacks. 

Nobody likes losing. I hate it more than anything. But as a youngest of the family I have been sheltered until later in life from some things that I had to navigate my way through. The real world is hard, it can be merciless and cold at time. As someone who at some point in time had someone to help me along the way, there were some things that I had to learn on my own. Life sucker punched me and in the times I experienced setbacks, in the time I fell and was unable to get back on my feet, I was harsh with myself. I felt like a failure and I wanted to give up because I wasn’t ready. I learned in those moments on the hard, cold floor of life, that we can’t always win. That sometimes, what matters is not winning but rather showing up and doing your best, even if at the end you fail. That there will be times where you will have to fail a thousand ways before you finally make it but each and every time, you have to look at the setbacks as an opportunity to refine your strategy and improve your game plan. I learned that strong and successful people aren’t those who never fail or fall, but rather, those who fail and try again, those who fall and rise again. It is tough: Some days there is more resistance than other days and sometimes I really feel like throwing in the towel but instead I wipe my tears and my sweat, trusting that my growing pains will be my growing gains. 

I hope one day if I ever change my mind about having kids, I look back at this and teach them the things I wish I had known growing up. I know they won’t really be ready to face the world, but I will have peace knowing that I haven’t sent them out empty handed and that they have some kind of foundation they can stand on when everything else is falling apart.

When God is Silent

It is a brand new year and some people are already on their "new year, new me" pow wow. For some of us however, it is a more quiet thing happening as we are still unraveling and trying to navigate the questions that we have and perhaps the feelings of not being where we thought we would be as the year ended and a new one is unfolding. I had something totally different planned for my very first article of the year. Something more upbeat and more in the "let's go get it" spirit but I felt in my heart to be real and open about my own struggles so that other hearts can also be encouraged. So instead of sharing the article that I tried to write more than three times and finally gave up on out of sheer frustration and the inability to accurately capture what I wanted to say, I chose to speak on a very true and ever-present feeling which is feeling left behind. I know a thing or two (or perhaps more) about it as it is something that I am wrestling with every single day: from the moment I open my eyes to the time I close them; but as I dived into the Word of God, I realized that there is quite a handful of Biblical figure that also happened to know a thing or two (or maybe more) about the struggle around the feeling of being left behind. 

Ann sure did know a lot about it: being a wife to a wonderful husband was great but having to live with a co-spouse constantly taunting her about the thing she desired more than anything but couldn't have sure enough might have made her feel like she was forgotten by God, left behind. 

Elizabeth was also another figure that knew something about feeling left behind when for years she prayed to be a mother and only to be disappointed year after year. 

The woman at the well... She could have been the one with a PhD in knowing a thing or two about feeling left behind: four husbands, couldn't manage to keep one of them alive and now she was about to draft a fifth one while perhaps all of her friends and women her age were probably happily married and raising their children. 

Joseph knew something too (at the risk of sounding like I am only rooting for women and being labelled as sexist, let's invite the men into the conversation too). Waiting for years into a prison for a breakthrough to come while one of the people you help in that same prison (and who was supposed to return the favor) is out living the best life while you are barely getting through life. 

Those people knew a lot about feeling left behind and even though I probably don't know as much as they do, it is a feeling that I am familiar with. Last year ended on a good note for a lot of people around me and this year started with some pow wows that left me in awe of the things God can do. But if I want to be honest, the ever so real feeling of being left behind competed neck to neck with my praise and my joy of seeing God move around me. There was genuine joy but there was also the genuine and never ending question on my mental reel : "God what about me?"

As real and taunting as this feeling and this question are to me, as real as the stuck in the mud moments are for me, the Bible reminds that there is more to the story than where we are at, at any given moment. 

As I read about the characters I mentioned and turned pages after pages, I was reminded that for every single one of them, the story didn't stop at that "feeling left behind/ feeling stuck" chapter.  There was more ahead regardless of whether they couldn't see it, feel it or even at times believe it. Not much was said about the emotional state of these people as they went through that phase -except for Ann- but if I had to guess, I would say they were probably frustrated, angry to some extent, resigned and perhaps coming to terms with lowering their expectations of God. And if we have to be honest, even for a split second, as the new year rolled around and is unfolding, some of us still in the waiting season are just in that same emotional state: tired, angry, resigned, hopeless; and like the woman at the well who had a man who wasn't really her man , we are at a point where we are ready to do our thing and make it work our way instead of God's way. I don't know about you but I know I am. 

But as I kept praying and seeking God and as I kept pouring my heart and feelings before God, just like Mary the sister of Lazarus, God kept on nudging me to keep the Faith. He kept on nudging me and encouraging me to believe again, to hope again, to trust more as He is in the work doing a new thing (Isaiah 43:19). In all of those stories, the silence of God on their matters, on the things they were praying and petitioning God for was deafening. It lasted a long, long time but when the answer to their prayers (not necessarily what they asked for) showed up, it was life changing. Sometimes the magnitude and length of God's silence only equals how big the blessing to unfold is. The waiting season sometimes looks and feels like a winter : everything is frozen. It is a season where God makes us slowdown, strips us from all the unnecessary things and brings us back to the essential: Him and a closer relationship with Him. It is a time where He shuts down all the extra external stuff so that we focus on the internal and eternal things. It is a season of prioritizing what is important. Everything seems dead and dormant but there is still growth happening, there is still work being done we just cannot see it. Just because there is silence doesn't mean God is not there. He is there and still working but again , in the words of Hannah Brencher, He has removed al the advertisement because it is not time yet for people to know. I remember a few years ago when Adele went silent for five years and all of the sudden popped back up with her new album 25. Nobody really knew what she was up to but in that time a lot happened obviously because she came back with something new. We did not hear her or see her but unbeknown of us she was working, she was producing something right under our noses  but didn't blow a horn. She worked in silence and  when the time was right, dropped it into our lap. God does the same with us sometimes too.  He does the internal work as we lean in, carving, shaping, purifying and setting up the right props so that by the time the promise is fulfilled and the blessing is released, it is a solide thing, a done deal but most importantly, He is the only one taking credit for it. 

It is a new year and I don't know how it already looks for you friend but if you are still in your winter, if you are wrestling and struggling like I am, my prayer for you is to draw near to God and lean in a little bit more than last year. My prayer for you is to believe, hope against all hope and remain suspicious that God is up to something in the midst of that silence; to trust that even when you can't see it or feel it, God is at work and it is only a matter of time until His work is being revealed for all to see. 

Beloved, as this year is unfolding and we are moving through it, let's believe and trust that God will show up for us this year in a major way.

Take heart, help is on the way!

Until next time,