"Going at your own pace means you are living in your timeline, in your own very special way"
I wasn’t really planning on writing or posting this but here I am. It is a fruit of a spur in inspiration; a string of words inspired by a picture and yet something that has been weighing on my spirit and my chest for a while. For those who don’t know I have a background in martial art. As a taekwondo athlete, I participated in tournaments and national junior championships (and actually won the nationals for my division) and dabbled for a while in jiu-jitsu. And then my health went to shreds and so did my life so I had to step off the mat to take care of myself. To care for that body that had carried me through so many great and not so great things in my life, to carry for that body that I had pushed to the limit so many time, to which I had constantly asked from and not really given to the proper way. I wouldn’t say that I am 100 percent back to where I was before everything went haywire but I am making my way there. I had been planning my comeback to the mat for years. I did come back actually. I few times and hoped it was it, but it wasn’t. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be it, but it wasn’t. So then I knew I wasn’t ready. So when I finally accepted that, I just let the idea run its course and I gave my body and my mind the time to recover. I gave myself permission to stop running and to take a break.
And I know my people miss me and they mean well when they say : “when are you coming back? Are you coming back soon? You need to come back! We miss you” but there is that part of me that feels pressured and sometimes trapped. It is the part of me that always wants to please. The part of me that would break to pieces to make people whole, the part of me that will cry in private if it meant the people I love and care for (and who obviously love me and care for me) would be beaming of joy in public. There was a time where I would have pushed beyond reason to make a comeback but my failed attempts at coming back have proven me that I cannot make something happen when it’s not time for it yet. And it’s not just the fear of failing again; it is not just that the timing is not there for me to make it happen: it is just knowing in my heart of heart that I am not ready yet. When I saw that picture of my people online, having so much fun on the mat I thought to myself : “gosh I miss that! I miss those crazy choking times and training like mad men. I miss being around my people and I miss that mat” but then I told myself : “I will go back… But when I do, I want it to be on my own terms”
And the same goes for dating and being in a relationship: people always ask and inquire. They frown and get borderline offended when my answer to them is : I am not dating now and I am not intending to do so for a while. I find it offensive and rude when people expect me to run with their timeline when I have one of my own that is unfolding and that I am desperately trying to understand without constantly having to ask myself: “what in the black Jesus is going on now?”
Just because you are ready for it to happen -whatever it is- doesn’t mean that I am. Just because you or I want a comeback so bad, doesn’t mean it will happen on your time clock or mine. And please, for the love of everything that is sacred on this precious earth, know that just because you apologized for the hurt that you caused doesn’t mean that I am ready just yet to drop the offense and meet you on the other side of the emotional fence. Life doesn’t work that way. Neither does the heart. It is all a process and it won't just happen overnight.
So when I say I will do it; when I say it will happen; when I say I am working on it; when I say that I am rooting and preparing for that comeback, just know that it will be on my own terms. And if you can’t get over it, then I have nothing more to offer you beside these words put together with nothing but good intentions and the hope that eventually you will get it. And if you don’t, well, at least I would have tried.
Until then,
The Happiness Fairy 👸
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