Breaking The Silence

"To live in your purpose, to walk in it, to go back to it time after time when all you want to do is give up, comes from the understanding that there is something about it that is bigger than you. And that something will keep nudging you until you finally do what you have been called to do. It doesn't matter how hard it is or how many time you give up. What matters is that after you're done kicking, scream and crying, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going"

It has been months and I haven’t been here as much as I thought I should have been. And there have been moments where I was caught up in the guilt: the guilt of not doing enough. Of not being enough. Of not working on my relationship with writing as much as I should have. But then I remembered: I remembered the mantras and the mental notes that I wanted to carry with me through 27 and I found grace in the midst of the guilt and the sorrows that were trying to drown me. I found grace because I had finally come to term with the fact that life came with a lot of things and sometimes no matter how much you want things to turn out a certain way they just don't. I struggled and grappled with my emotions, wanting to write. But I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t find the words some days. And other days, I just couldn’t find the strength and the inspiration to write them. And when I did find the words and I when I finally did get in the motion, there was just that crippling fear that it wouldn't be good enough. That my words wouldn't resonate as much as they did before. In those moments, what Adele meant when she was standing on the stage at the Royal Albert Hall made sense. In those moments I felt with every single fiber of my being what she meant when she said : "I was afraid I would have that song on this new album that would go and do what Hometown glory did". Being away for so long and deciding to come back, I didn't know if I still had it in me, if my words still had the power to go ahead and do what they had done before: to encourage, to move people the way they moved me as I was writing them; to bring healing and hope as I opened my world and invited strangers to step in it in a so brutally honest way that I was not always comfortable displaying with people I had known for years.

And the truth is as I write those words I still don't know: I still wrestle with it everyday. And honestly, yes: some of the things I write might suck. They might suck BIG TIME. But there might be that one bit in it that will get caught on a corner of your heart and go ahead to do something magic, a little bit like a warm hug that you long for at the end of those hard days where the only hard -and yet brave- thing that you did was hold yourself together and not fall apart. Writing is always a difficult process. Finding the right word, breaking your heart open and baring your soul to the rest of the world is the hardest and yet the bravest thing I have ever found the courage to do in a world, era and society where the culture preaches that to wear your heart on your sleeve will get you hurt and to be vulnerable will get you burnt. Maybe I will get hurt... And maybe I will get burnt... But maybe... Just maybe... Being vulnerable and keeping on sharing my story will reach people and hearts and go ahead to do something that would otherwise not happen.  Maybe... Just maybe... Some people will find a way to heal, to be hopeful, to be joyful... to smile again... to try again... to love again... To finally find the courage to type again on this keyboard is a little awkward and yet comforting. It is like being reacquainted with an old lover: the love is still here but things are just different; different than they were the first time around and yet there is that sense of familiarity, of words and emotions flowing so gracefully that hadn't happen in a while. There is a shift in the way the words are being put together,  a shift in the intentions, a shift in purpose, a shift in season. I have been through the ebbs and flow of life and through processes that have allowed me to shed some layers and in more than one way grow.  I have been on the highest mountains where I could feel the breeze and watch a few sunsets and sunrises and I have also been down to the lowest valleys and walked through them. I am just growing and  adjusting, wrestling with my craft, my art, as I learn to master it and allow my purpose to be manifested through it.

It is perhaps three months a little too late, but I’m hoping that with this new year will come new words and a renewed sense of why I started that journey in the first place. I hope, if anything, that clicking on the link leading here and reading these words, they will still ring true. They will still be relatable and that the stories and posts will still feel like home. Like you never left. Like I was never gone. If anything, I hope me finding my way back here will also help you find your way back to wherever you are trying to go but can’t see to find the way to.

Cheers to a new year and to being back to the things that matter.

Until next time,
The Happiness Fairy 👸