Dear Diary...

Little miss perfect first birthday. As you can tell I was scared of being dropped right into my cake 😩

Life can bring the biggest surprises of all time or the hardest, most brutal heartbreaks. The worst thing about it is that it is all a gamble and you still have to show up for it because you never know what the day will bring. A month ago I turned 27 and I will not lie, my life is totally different from what I had imagined. I thought I would be done with school, married, raising my first kid, have a job I love and have a house. LOL joke's on me!

A week into being 27, I found myself battling depression and fighting to stop what seemed like a never ending fall into the abyss. Somehow during that time I was falling and praying to finally hit rock bottom,I asked myself :"when all of this is over, when months/ years from now you look into your rearview mirror, what are the things you want to remember? What are the things you want to carry with you for the rest of 27 and possibly take with you for 28 and perhaps the years to come? what are the lessons you want engraved on the table of your heart and in your spirit, that will pull you through the slump when you find yourself stuck again- because let's face it: it will happen."?

Here are the mental notes that I took to answer those questions, the things that I think will still matter, the lessons that I would like to carry with me for the rest of 27 and perhaps for the rest of my life. 

✔Be where your feet are*

I actually stole this (and a lot of other points on this list!) from Hannah Brencher's book Come Matter Here (review coming soon). I grew up with expectations- my own and other people's- that have been the fuel I have been running on for years. But somehow in the midst of all that running to get "there"(the diploma, the great job, the perfect relationship, etc...) I forgot to be here: to enjoy the little moments, to slow down. I forgot that all those moments I said "no" to because they would take away from the time I thought I needed to get "there", I would never get them back. So I am learning to be here now, to drink the wild air and to appreciate the present because it truly is a gift.

✔Turn down the do-it-yourself Beyonce anthem in your brain*

I was never one to delegate or ask for help. If I needed something done, I would go and do it myself because I always thought that: a) people will let me down so I can't trust them and b) they couldn't do it the way I did it or wanted it done. And I was right about those two facts but I was so focused on them that I forgot that:  c) God sent me great people to make up for those who messed up when I gave them my trust and d) sometimes they did things better than I would have done them. If we didn't need help, God wouldn't have created Eve. Alone I can go fast but learning to reach out to the people God has blessed me with for help, I will go far.

✔Wherever you are going next, tell yourself it will be good*

Years ago I had a taste for change and adventure: I would never say no to something that would break routine. But then, I started walking on the safe side and change became a major stressor for me. As a control freak, the fear of the unknown and the fact that there would be things on the other side of change I couldn't control terrified me. But the truth is that I had conditioned myself to believe that’s t my "next" was never going to be better than my "now". The funny thing is that times and times again, God showed up in unexpected ways and I found myself countless times being grateful that new opportunities for change and growth came up. So no matter how scary and uncomfortable change is, I am working constantly and consistently on reminding myself that wherever I go next, it will be good. It might not be what I want but maybe it is what I need and no matter how uncomfortable it is or how much hardship I encounter stepping into my "next", it will all workout because Romans 8:28 says so.

✔Don't be afraid to rebuild

New beginnings are hard. I have changed schools only four times into my life and moved four times but let me tell you that I hated the feeling of being the new kid on the block or in class. It was always terrifying and exhausting to me to the point where I just stopped getting attached because I hated goodbyes and starting over, everything from scratch. But new beginnings are nothing but an opportunity to do better: to lay better foundations, to build more solid/lasting relationships, to make a difference. So I am learning: learning to start over without repeating the same mistakes. It is a process but I hope by the time I look back and read this again, I will have mastered it. 

✔Loosen your grip

"A closed hand cannot receive" I don't recall who exactly said those words but they stuck with me. It is tempting to hold on to what we have but no matter how good it feels at the moment, we are only harming ourselves in the long run. Why? because we are blocking life's natural flow and preventing good things from entering our life. To loosen a grip is hard because there is always that fear that the next thing will never be better but there is also the risk of missing out on something better. Life is a gamble and all bets are off so let's make the best out of it.

✔See your people. Hug your people

It is hard to see the people around you and let them in when the previous humans before them made a mess into your heart and you soul and left you to collect the broken pieces and figure it all out by yourself. Years of hurt and disappointment left me bitter and angry but mostly superficial. I shut out everybody, even the people who wanted to pull me forward. I did hurt a good deal of them when all they wanted to do is to be there, help me and love me. People will disappoint. People will hurt you. People will leave. But look around yourself, find who your people are. That friend that will pick up your phone call at 3 am and pray with you because you're having a panic attack. That person who will celebrate you for bouncing back from life setbacks. That person that will cheer you, love you even during the darkest hour and hold your hand in the dark. That person who will know when to say something, when to add an extra ten seconds to that hug. Find out who that person/ who those people are and hug them. Hug them tight and don't let go until it's life's time to say goodbye. They won't be perfect but they will be real. They won't be there all the time but they will be there when you need them to. And God knows that life happens and one day they might not be there for you because they might be caught up with their own mess: hug them regardless because they are your people and they love you and it's all that matters. I do have plenty of hugging to do and it's a good thing I got started.

✔Stay busy in the valley*

If you haven't yet, I suggest you read my previous article because it ties up into it. The valley is not a place to stay- true- but nobody knows how long it will take to go through a valley. I am learning in my own valley to not stay idle: I'm working on myself, working on my vision as move forward, adjusting it to what each day brings. The valley is where things and people are taken away but it is also the place where character is built. It is the place where God molds you into the person you are supposed to be to fulfill your purpose. Don't just look at the valley or go through it with your "whatever mode" switched on. Pay attention. Pray. Practice what you are being taught in the valley because your life might very well depend on it someday.

✔Go deep instead of wide*

A while ago I stopped trying to make new friends. I stopped because a) I didn't trust people so I was being all fake to the people I already had around me and b) I hate small talk and at some point it seemed like making new friends was all about it. Right around that time, I also started downsizing my circle of "friends". I say "friends" because really, I didn't know half of those people and the other half didn't know me. So I started cutting ties. The past five years have taught me one important lesson: quantity doesn't matter, quality does. So instead of going wide, I am focusing on going below the surface and building, deep and long lasting relationships with the few that I still have. It might work, it might not but unless I try I will never know.

✔Stay rooted in the Word of God*

Abraham was a hundred years old when he had Isaac. Between the time where God told him he would be father of a multitude and the time Isaac was born there was approximately twenty five years. Joseph dreamed that his entire family will bow down before him. Between the dream and the accomplishment of it, there were twenty two years and very unfortunate circumstances that I am sure made Joseph wonder at time if God had truly spoken or if it was just his imagination. Someone said once that "God speaks from the future and between the time He speaks over our life and the time we see things fall into place, there is a lapse." That lapse is when things get tricky: it's the valley. And in the valley a lot can happen. The devil starts preaching, the internal turmoil gets loud. But the outcome of where we're heading and how long it will take to get there depends heavily on our ability to stay rooted in God and His Word. The lies of the enemy when looking at our circumstances might seem true and they might be louder than God's promises but it's only a matter of time until God wins, because He always does. The only thing we have to do until then is to hold on to His word, to His promises and to Him. 

✔Don't forfeit your right to say no

Pressure to conform, to agree, to nod, to follow, to join. That's how I ended up with about ten thousands emails at some point into my email inbox. That's how I ended up in situations or with people that did not honor me. That's how I ended up making plans I never really wanted to make in the first place and showed up forty-five minutes late because I spent thirty of those forty-five minutes sitting on my bed, with nothing on but a towel, debating if I reaaaaaaally had to go. That's how I broke my own heart thinking "if I say no, they'll be crushed" or "they'll think I'm stuck up" or worst "if I say no they will leave". I gave away my right to say no when breaking people's heart was more important than safeguarding my own. And it's not okay. I am on a quest to reclaim my "no" and to not feel bad about it because honestly there is nothing wrong with it.

✔Don't run: Stay*

I am a runner both figuratively and literally although my ability to run has been on the lower end of the spectrum because of all the lattes, the macaroons and the repetitive assaults my immune system has suffered the last two years. I have ran from everything and everybody my whole life: friends, lovers, love interests, feelings, emotions, relationships, friendships. You name it. Anything that required me to dive into my feelings made me break in sheer terror. Anything that required me to confront people and handle their feelings was a good excuse for me to run. Forever or until things settled. I'm trying to change my ways but it is very hard because old reflexes take longer to fade away. And the itch to run is always there because it is easy to just run but I realized that I also miss out on a lot of things. So I am slowly unpacking and leaving bits of myself with people and in places that will make me hold on to them when I am tempted to pack (figuratively) and leave. 

✔You don't have to be it all*

I have spent the last fifteen years of my life trying to be it all, and it's one of the toughest thing to get out of my system. I am yet to accept that if I am not all those things that the world and the people around me expect me to be but that I am only myself, it's still good enough. Y'all pray for me because the struggle is real 😭

✔Give yourself grace*

In the days where I couldn't be it all, do it all and save everybody, I used to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. In part because I believe I had failed myself but mostly because I didn't want to be like the people who let me down. I didn't want to be like them and I wanted the world to know that I could do it all, be it all and have it all. Needless to say that things didn't turn out well for me. One important truth to me is this one: Jesus is all. And He is all that I need. Him and sleep and coffee. Those three go a long way. In between, there is grace: for the things I couldn't do, didn't do. For all the times I could only be just enough and not all of it and a bag of chips. For the days where I let people down because I didn't even have the strength to carry myself for more than an hour at times before having an emotional breakdown in the locker rooms at work and going right back to do more work. For all of those in-betweens, there is grace and there will always be because a little bit of it goes a long way.

✔Put your phone down

I used to be so addicted to social media and texting and posting and then something shifted. I can't exactly pinpoint when it happened but it just did. And honestly I have grown founder of that privacy and being able to be in the moment. I am learning to be alive in a world where live-streaming is everything. Memories are great but being able to be a part of it is even better.

✔Chose prayer over patronizing*

It is easy to patronize people. To judge. To condemn. It is the human thing to do but the Christian thing to do is to pray. We all go through life motion. We all carry our very own heavy burdens and life has shaped/ scarred us in many different ways but the goal of it was never and will never be to be bitter but instead to be better. So when I see people acting funny with me, instead of poppin' off on them (and Lord knows there are days!!!), I remind myself to pray it out and to pray for them. Life is never easy. People can be nasty but praying for their heart is a necessity because we've all be there once.

✔Don't be perfect: be real

I used to be little miss perfect. I still am sometimes. But I have come to term with a truth that revolutionized the way I approach people and relate to them: I have become real, raw and honest. About the things I go through. About my struggles. About the state of my mental health. About life. Being able to be real was the beginning of a freeing process that I am still undergoing. It allowed people to not look at me like I'm some kind of boujie girl who doesn't know anything about life struggles. If anything I do believe opening up has allowed people to know me better, to know the why of certain choices I made/make. Being real came with a surprising amount of "me too"s from people I never thought were going through the same things I went through. But that's the beauty and the curse behind it: you won't know until you know and to know requires to be real. There is a ridiculous amount of people out there desperately in need of that. But we won't find each other until we can drop the facade and let people in.

✔"I don't know yet"

I used to be SO sure about so many things a few years ago and now... I can't even commit to a place to eat for lunch or dinner. I have rediscovered the beauty in saying "I don't know yet": it opens new horizons. It gives you options. It gave me the flexibility I needed to break away from the rigid mold I placed myself in. There is nothing wrong with it unless of course, you're wasting someone's time which is the purest form of evil. It's okay to not know yet, to go on your own journey to figure it out. Just know that not many will join you. But you know what? It's okay too.

✔You matter*

I didn't know back then. I was always putting other people's needs before my own. I never knew I mattered the way I do now. It might seem trivial and hard to understand but it is a truth that I came across during my mental self-care and decluttering journey. I am learning to speak up, to say no, to feel what I feel without being ashamed of it and without letting the world shame me for it because I matter and it is something nobody will ever take away from me again unless I give my consent. Being able to know and believe that you matter is a statement that is as powerful as you make it. It's your truth: live it. 

Here are my truths, my lessons, the mental notes that pull me forward these days and I hope you found this article inspiring. Life is not always what it looks like and people are not always what they look like, especially on social media. We're more than what we look like. We are more than our words and our "I'm fine, thanks". Once in a while, take a look back and check on your people because you never know which battles they're fighting.

Until next time,

The Happiness Fairy 👸

The sentences followed by an asterisk (*) are taken or derived from Hannah Brencher's new book Come Matter Here.