When Church Hurts: [Personal] Tips To Reverse It And Overcome The Spirit Of Offense

Another week, another article: welcome back to the blog and if you are new, welcome. For today’s article, I thought about bouncing back from Less is More, using a few more stories from the Bible that I like but at the last minute, I just switched. I switched because although less is more speaks directly to some of the situations I am going through right now and to the posture of my heart for 2018, the topic that I want to discuss today has been one that I am still learning to apply into my life. Today we will talk a little bit about church hurt and some of the key things you have to understand in order to hopefully recover from it and if not, at least be on your way to recovery.

Walking the walk of Christianity is one of the most difficult thing you will ever do in life. It will be difficult because of the nature of the walk, the efforts and the sacrifices it requires, but more so because it has two components: a personal walk with your Lord and Savior Jesus as well as a walk as part of the body of Christ. So not only are we talking about the Church body of Christ but also the church as a community. So to open this article, let’s first dive into a story that I like a lot and that was not long ago brought up from another angle by Pastor Charles Metcalf from Transformation Church. Let’s look at the story of the good Samaritan in Luke 10: 29-37

“ Jesus replied with a story: “A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’”

Although I mentioned the whole story, here I am only interested in verses 33-34. When pastor Metcalf preached on this beautiful story, he revealed a truth that I had never perceived before in this story. He revealed the truth of the church being the Inn the Jewish man was left at. When we come from the world to Jesus (the good Samaritan), we come with all kinds of hurt and not necessarily Church appropriate behaviors/personalities that He started soothing, bandaged but that have not healed yet. And sometimes, when we do not carefully manage ourselves or if someone does something inadvertently, the wounds can reopen and start bleeding again. Let’s consider that we are all in that Jewish man's condition: we carry all kind of “hurts” and “sicknesses” that are being taken care of and some of the inappropriate behaviors that are being displayed in church can be categorized as such. The first step in overcoming or attempting a recovery from church hurt is understanding that we are all “sick” as we are all being checked-in at the Inn. Being sick and/or hurt might not be physical: it could be an emotional and/or psychological trauma that has altered our vision and perception of ourselves and others,  leading us to display inappropriate behaviors and say inappropriate things that hurt people. Jesus said in Mark 2: 17

“Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

So being all gathered at the Inn, we are waiting to be visited by the doctor. When you go to the doctor or the emergency room, even if another patient in the waiting room misbehaves and upsets you, knowing the person is in pain just like you should diminish the intensity of your response. It will not excuse it or justify it but at some point you might catch yourself saying : “well… maybe if I was in that much pain or in that position, I would react that way”. Sometimes people say "but they do it for no apparent reason" or , "they’re just jealous", "they’re just envious, evil, liars…" remember those are all heart and/or mental conditions and both qualify as sicknesses. Another thing worth mentioning is that just because you can’t see someone else’s disease doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Sometimes there is a disease but it takes time to figure out what it is so give it time and be understanding and above all do not judge them. So when you know you condition and other people's condition at the Inn (aka the Church as the Body of Christ AND the community), you really can’t be mad at someone who is acting out of their illness. So the first step to overcome/ recover/ attempt a recovery from church hurt can be summed up in this : we all have some kind of illness (emotional, behavioral, psychological) and we all at the Inn, with our respective conditions to be taken care of and some people (more than others) are most likely to act out of their illnesses. Don't take it personally.

The second tip that I have found helpful in overcoming the hurt and the spirit of offense is keeping your eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of your faith (Heb 12:2). Another story I really like and enjoy reading in the Bible and that really speaks volume about the importance of keeping your eyes on Jesus is found in Matthew 14:22-31. It is the story about Peter walking on water. As long as Peter had his eyes on Jesus he was fine. The minute he started looking at everything happening around him, his faith started to fade and fear kicked in: he started sinking. The walk with Christ is a personal one which value is accrued by being around other Christians. But being in community will bring a lot of frictions and tension sometimes because we are all coming from different cultures, traditions or background and [again] we each one have our own conditions. If like Peter, you start (and keep) looking at those things and you let your gaze go left to right, noticing every single wrong doing happening and looking at every single detail of inappropriate behaviors around you, your walk toward Jesus will be hindered. The result will be that you will start sinking. Getting caught up in the mundane behaviors and things that happen in church will only pull you down if you meet people at the level a which they come to you to hurt you, frustrate you, humiliate or break you. Overcoming hurt and the spirit of offense calls for your ability to keep your eyes on Jesus so that you can rise and stay afloat. When you keep your eyes on Jesus you don’t have time for distractions. You don’t have time to look into people’s behaviors. And if you don’t have time for this, your faith and commitment to Christ or the Church (the Body of Christ) cannot be crushed or threatened because you are there for Jesus only and it’s all that matters. But how to you keep and sustain your gaze solely on Jesus? You pray and ask God to help you keep your eyes and focus on Him because if you rely on your own strength you will fail and go from church to church or abandon faith/ your walk with Christ altogether. After asking God for strength, you surrender your heart, mind and emotions to Him and as you do the two above you stay rooted into the Word of God. The more you exercise yourself to these things, the more your spirit will grow and the less you will feel tempted to throw a brick at those coming to you with stick and stone. The more you will practice those things, the more you will allow for the love of God and his Spirit to fill you. When the love of God fills your heart, you have no space for anything else, for no other feelings that is not attached or rooted in love. Being a lover of God and His Word is where it all starts.

The third tip (which is more like tip 2b) is this one : stay in your lane. Recently, I took some time to meditate on the Gospels and study them a little bit and I came upon that verse in John 21:20 which was in a sense a clap back from Jesus *😱*. Jesus had appeared to a few of his disciples for the third time and after eating they were casually talking. And Jesus of course was talking of things to come regarding some of the disciples He was with. And then Peter looked at “the disciple Jesus loved the most” and asked Jesus:

“What about him, Lord?” Jesus replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.”

In the Black Living Translation the equivalent would be : MIND YO’ BUSINESS and STAY IN YOUR LANE. Major clap back from Jesus HIMSELF?! When you are busy doing what the Lord has called you to do, invested heart, mind soul and spirit, you will not have time to clap back at people because you are too busy with God stuff. You got your eyes on the author and finisher of your faith and you know where God has called you to be. So no matter what people do, if you go to God saying “but what about them? What about what they did?” God’s answer will still be the same “ Stay in your lane. Do what I have called you to do” and you better trust and believe that when you will be busy serving God, doing what He has called you to do, STAYING IN YOUR LANE despite the hurt, humiliation brought onto you, God will clap back for you! He hasn’t called you to clap back. He has called you to do his work and be who he wants you to be. People’s actions say a lot about them so you clapping back and doing them the way they do you says nothing about them but more about the kind of person that you are. So are you like the people who hurt you?  Or are you becoming the person God wants you to be? And if you are, are you going to trash all that in order to let anger and pettiness win? It will not turn out well.

When you know God. When you know He is the one to right every wrong. When you know that He is the one who said :

“ I will take revenge; I will pay them back. In due time their feet will slip. Their day of disaster will arrive, and their destiny will overtake them” (Deut 32:35),

no matter how long it takes, you KNOW that YOUR GOD will clap back for you and vindicate you. So you ain’t worried about seeking revenge because God will do that for you. Instead what you do is pray to release the hurt and frustration by surrendering it unto God and you keep moving forward leaning on God for the strength to carry on.

Church hurt is very real but so is God and so is His love and healing and his ability to clap back in His own time. So if you are going through, have been through that, just know that God is there. We aren’t perfect and friction happens but if you are truly doing God’s work with all your heart, giving your all, know that one day no matter how long it takes God will reward you for your good deed and also reward those who did you wrong for their deeds (if they are bringing sorrows your way purposefully). To you God is saying “As for you, follow me”. So keep your eyes on Jesus and follow Him and let nothing come between you and Him because at the end of the day, each one of us will stand for him/herself before God, and the only actions/deeds we will be accountable for are our own. So don’t let someone else’s “illness” or behavior make you stumble.

Hope this helped and encouraged someone.
Until next time,
The Happiness Fairy 👸

Photo credit

My Lost Brothers

The picture above is one of the Granite Mountain Hotshots in Prescott, Arizona. It was taken two weeks before the Yarnell tragedy in which all the crew members, except Brendan McDonough, lost their lives. The picture was taken by Chris Mackenzie who  was also part of the crew and one of the 19 victims. 

Hello and welcome back to the blog! And if you are new welcome! Kick off your shoes, get some tea or coffee and enjoy the reading. I wanted to post my usual, deep and soul food posts but a lot has been happening lately and I just couldn't collect myself enough to write something that made sense when read in a normal voice and not the crazy one. So I thought I would write a book review because I have been doing a lot of reading lately and I have not really posted anything in a while. Today, I am bringing you a book I am really fond of, one that is a real tears jerker but so worth reading because of the beautiful story the author tells. This book is called My Lost Brothers and it is written by Brendan McDonough. It is a story about colleagues, turned into brothers and the terrible loss the author experienced when all the members of his crew perished fighting a wild fire in Yarnell, Arizona. All of them, except him. Now, even though I have been living in the US for close to a decade now and that I was here when the tragedy happened, I knew nothing about it until last year when the movie came out. I had gone to the movie one day and I was patiently waiting for my movie to start when, among the “coming out soon”, I saw the clip of a movie that would haunt me until the day it came out. The movie was titled Only The Brave and it was a motion picture based of this book I am bringing you today. This clip was a few seconds long at best, but long enough to make my heart tip over and break a little.  A few days later when the movie came out, I went to see it and left the theater looking like an emotional mess. So of course I bought the book because, although the job done with the movie was incredible, I wanted to know the whole story and see the big picture and know more about who those people were in real life. As soon as I started reading, I couldn’t put it down: on the train, at home, during lunch in the break room. There was something about that story that captivated my heart and wouldn’t let me stray away. It was heartwarming and beautiful until it turned dark and ugly. Yet, there was beauty in the brokenness, there was something to be gain in the loss: a new perspective on life, on the chances we’re given everyday, on the things we take for granted. When I finished this book, I was in shambles emotionally. Still gathering up myself, I looked up Brendan McDonough on Instagram. I took a look at his feed: my heart sank. Seeing pictures of him and some of his brothers who lost their lives in the Yarnell fire made what seemed so surreal to me, a reality that I could touch, see and feel. I finished this book about two months ago, started writing this review but I couldn't find any words that would do it justice. So I left this review in the back burner until recently where I thought about a story that kind of feels to this: the story of Job in the Bible. Now the Bible says that Job was a righteous man and that God had nothing to reproach him. One day when Satan came to God, God started talking highly of Job and Satan said "I bet if you took everything away from him he'll curse you to your face". God knew Job's heart so He gave satan permission to strip Job of anything that could make him a man of a certain rank/ posture however, satan had no authority to touch his life. So first Job lost his posterity, his richesses and then his good health. He even got to a point where his own friends turn against him saying that he needed to repent, his own wife telling him to curse God and die. He was between a rock and a hard place with no one to turn to.

And in a way the story of Brendan McDonough is similar. He was not a righteous man as in his story, he speaks about how he went from being a drug addict to doing a turn around in life because he wanted to do better for his daughter. Making that choice in life led him to the Mountain Granite Hotshot. The beginnings where hard but eventually he got to a better place in life with the help of his teammates and his supervisor who, according to the story, were respectively the closest thing to brothers and to a father figure he ever had. Now let's open a parenthesis here and introduce the first lesson I got only a few pages into this story: his choice to do better in life. It is not his fault that he did not grow up with a father but as a father himself, he made a choice to turn things around for his daughter and I salute that. we live in a world were not enough men are taught how to act like men and when they do they are not praised enough for that. It is true that it is what they are supposed to do but in a society where men take the easy way out, I wanted to take a minute to praise those men doing the best with what they can, where they are to make sure their children are safe, fed and have a father figure. He made a decision to do better, to do something different, to break a cycle that he grew up in. Our parents deeds and mistakes do not have to be our own, their story do not have to dictate ours: he knew it and he made acted on that truth.

Going back to what I was saying: Brendan McDonough was not a righteous man but he had engaged into a path that brought him closer to creating a better, cleaner life for him and his daughter. The part about his story which is similar to the one of Job is how he lost all of the people he had a bond with, the people who helped him get back on his feet, the people he spent all his time with, in just one day. I mean can you imagine that? All your team wiped out under unfortunate circumstances and you are the lone survivor of that tragedy. I know that I would lose my mind. I did not know them at a personal level but the way the author described his crew members, bringing here and there memories of the time spent with them created a sense of intimacy and feeling of familiarity that makes the loss be felt at a deeper level. And then how he goes on at explaining his battle with depression and suicide, processing the loss/ hurt, turning to God made a few things relevant. The first one is that there is no shame in asking for help. As someone who's sometimes on the forefront of battling depression, we often carry that false impression that we have to save face and that asking for help is admitting defeat, when really it's not. Depression is sometimes the result of not processing adequately emotions that instead of confronting and healing, we burry alive or even ignore thinking that it will make them go away. There is only so much we can do when it come to emotions and how to process them that asking for help in order to develop healthy coping mechanisms and skills is nothing we should be ashamed of. Another thing that was relevant about this book is how Brendan McDonough perspective about being alive shifted from guilt to carrying a legacy. God's ways are unknown and when things happen in a way that is incomprehensible to the human mind, we tend to ask ourselves a whole lot of questions and sometimes even think that God is unfair. Toward the end of the book, the author speaks about how he felt ashamed and guilty of being alive because at the light of how he lived his life in the past, he more than any other of his brothers, should have perished in the fire. He talked about how he was battling suicide and how by overcoming the guilt and learning to look at this grace of being alive, he find a new purpose: carrying the legacy of his lost brother. I can't imagine how hard it would be for anyone to be in a situation like this but I am a firm believer that even in the midst of the most difficult time, there is something in it that God has graced us with and that we can only see when we take our eyes off the situation and keep our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. And I  personally do believe that this shift in perspective had to do with his ability to build a faith based on a solid relationship with God. There are only so many things we can overcome as humans but a loss this great! A void this big can only be filled by the one we have been engineered and created to run on: God. A solid point to make as a christian and that I could not omit is that Brendan McDonough spoke highly of two of his brothers how had an unshakeable faith and assurance in God that they lived out loud everyday. And he goes on at some point talking about how he desired that too. As Christians how we live our life speaks volumes to people looking at us. It is true that we have to share the Gospel with people but ultimately, beyond the work of conviction that the Holy Spirit does in the heart of the people we introduce to Jesus, it is the testimony of the life we live that is the deciding factor in whether or not they decide to follow Jesus. It is a personal decision but it is greatly influenced by the model we have before our eyes.

A little bit of a long review but all in all, I would say that this book is one of my favorites for this year and should absolutely be on your must read list. Brendan McDonough did a great work at building the story, giving the facts and injecting love and compassion in a story clouded with sadness, overshadowed by grief, loss and heartbreak. It is the beautiful and moving story of a man whose life was turned around for the best. A story about how colleagues became friends and then family, a pledge to have each other’s back no matter what, a commitment to integrity, loyalty and sacrifice even if it means laying your life on the line of duty to save the people who had become your family. It is the story of the Yarnell wildfire told by the lone survivor of this tragedy, the story of a legacy that will be forever carried and remembered whenever the 19 hotshots of the Granite Mountain crew will be mentioned. This book gets an honorable mention hands down. I got my book from Barnes and Nobles in hardcover for about $19 but I am sure you can get it from anywhere and probably for less than that if you look it up.

I hope you enjoyed reading through this review and that you will be getting this book. May God help us all and bless the ones who selflessly put their life on the line of duty so that we can still have our own. May God bless you and keep you safe.

Until next time,
The Happiness Fairy 👸