A few days ago I was about to turn off the TV when I stumbled upon a documentary that would forever bug the shit out of my mind. It has and it still does no matter how many time I tried to shake it off and move on. This documentary was about Kalief Browder, a young man who was put in prison for a crime he didn't commit for 3 years without any trial. The most shocking thing about the story for me wasn't necessarily that he was put in jail for allegedly stealing a back pack (3 years for a back pack... I know...) but rather, the fact that he spent most of these 3 years in solitary confinement. As I was watching the story, I felt my heart sink a little bit more every minute passing and by the time I was done, I was laying down in bed with the lights off but incapable to fall asleep. I was exhausted but I couldn't shut my eyes because all I could see was this young man's face and all I could think about was how he got robbed of his happiness, life and future for something he did not do. I couldn't fall asleep because something in me was broken: the silly idea that we all had a chance to make it in life. I was in my bed thinking: "why being black has to be such a bad thing? Why does it have to be a burden that weights down on you wherever you are in life? Why does it have to equate a life where you go from trial to trial, always trying to prove yourself, work 100x more than anybody else just because your skin produces more melanin than others?" I was racking my mind for answers that I could not find for my own sake.
Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of my skin color, I am just baffled and heartbroken when I look around me and all I tend to think about is how being black appears to be a curse or rather a death sentence some of us will never have the chance to escape. But there was more to it than those thoughts. There was something really bothersome about that story that I couldn't pinpoint. I don't know if what bothered me was the fact that this young man was left to rot in jail for something that he didn't do or the fact that he hang himself because he couldn't carry on with the emotional / psychological damages he suffered (and that were beyond repair) while I was graduating from college. Perhaps it was the idea that I was looking forward to a future that someone who was only 2 years younger than me was also contemplating but never got a chance to live because his future, aspirations, potential and hope were silently chocked away in between 4 walls, 23hrs/day for 3 years. Chocked to the point where once he got out, he couldn't stop drowning in the stormy sea formed by his repressed tears and emotions. Or perhaps it was the idea that if it happened to him, it could happen to anybody who belongs to the black community. I could happen to me ... For the sake of me, I couldn't pick one thing to be bothered with because to me, the toxic and explosive mix all these thoughts/ feelings brought, was heartbreaking, sickening, and gut wrenching.
As bothersome as this internal monologue and back and forth between emotions and reason was, it led me to an important realization. It made me realize that I was part of the few who were graced with countless opportunities to swim countercurrent and make something out of life. I realized that I was one of the few people upcoming generations could look up to as an example and inspiration to change and reshape the world; an exception to the false belief that black people are lazy, incapables, ignorant, criminals and doomed to do nothing with their lives. Most importantly, I realized that all I have been blessed with was not to take for granted and that I had a duty to represent my community in the highest and most dignified way in a fight where statistics had already sealed our fate. A fight to be the best, to break the stereotypes and lift the "black" curse one student/ youngster at a time until we can finally shine and be recognized for our accomplishments rather than the labels we are wrongly associated with. So I won't plead guilty to being black and silently accept a sentence that will dim my shine and force me to shrink . But instead, I will expand and let my light shine: I will pledge allegiance to hope and a bright future, to an opportunity to make a change and give us a chance.
Until then,
xo
Until then,
xo
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