Iyanla vanzant
once said : “Feelings buried alive don’t die. They fester and they show up as
inappropriate behaviors” and it is not until this year that have I truly understood the
meaning of this statement. Although it is true and applies to almost everybody,
it has granted black women the label of “Angry black women”
To speak from my own
experience, I was not always genuinely angry. I was more withdrawn but always felt like I had to
defend myself aggressively, especially when I had to answer questions that had
to do with my feelings and my personal life. It is not until recently that I
started to pin point triggers that made me feel the way I was feeling. Sometimes
people do you wrong, but most of the time the response the incident elicits
finds its roots deeper. It finds its roots in unresolved issues, past wounds and
feelings that were shoved under the rug in hope that they will go away. But
because the brain is wired in such a way that even if your active memory does not
remember certain events your unconscious does; and whenever a situation arise that
is similar to something you have been through in the past, you will still experience
the same feelings and the same emotions.
We are all the results of the
choices we make and the way we chose to deal with certain unfortunate situations
can make or break us. The approach that I picked, gave me the strength to power
through some of the toughest situations I faced in life. Unfortunately, years after choosing to shut down my emotions as a defense mechanism, I still
can’t turn off the survival mode that helped me stay alive and strong when time was tough. And the
struggle is in no way less real now than when I was going through those tough moments. The struggle
is real because the feelings are still alive and the PTSD associated with some
of these past events eat me alive everyday. They hide behind every smile, behind
every “ I am doing good” and behind every pain I feel in my body. I was so good
at compartmentalizing and blocking my emotions that my mind got tired of
fighting to let these toxic emotions out and it eventually gave up. But they
came under other forms: They showed up as passive aggressive behavior, unusual
quietness, irritability and withdrawal from any form of social interaction and sometimes depression. They also
hijacked my body and my goodness! Never in a million years did I imagine how internalizing things and
carrying such a huge emotional baggage could destroy me physically. It was the
headaches, the panic attacks, the migraines, the heart arrhythmias, the high
blood pressure, the constant muscle tightness, the chest pains, the insomnia, the
weakened immune system, the constant round of antibiotics and the never ending
anemia. Everyday there was something new, and my body as well as my health were falling apart in new, amazing way I couldn't even describe to the doctors who were as clueless as I was. But all those discomforts and symptoms I was experiencing was just my body screaming for help, begging me to let it
out and let it go.
Women as well as men are taught
to be strong and independent and because of this, we are afraid to open up
about our struggles. We don’t want to be labeled as weak or be seen as
vulnerable. Worst of all, we are afraid of being betrayed so we keep everything to ourselves, shove it under the rug or block those "negative" emotions
in hope that whatever it is that is bothering us will go away. We hide behind our titles, material possessions to make up for what is broken inside. We spend time, efforts and money to fix the outside when it is our soul and/or heart that is/are broken. We seek all those distractions outside hoping those unwanted and bothersome feelings/emotions will magically disappear but the truth they won’t.
In order for those things to go away there is a need to take a course of action and until this is done, the same patterns will be recreated over and over again. In the next article I will
share the roadmap I use to deal with my emotions as an attempt to fully recover
after years of killing myself softly and I am hoping it might help someone out there.
Until then take care of yourself, focus on yourself, on your heart, on your soul. Stop reaching outside to fix what it broken inside because it is only by looking inward that you will be able to do it.
Until then take care of yourself, focus on yourself, on your heart, on your soul. Stop reaching outside to fix what it broken inside because it is only by looking inward that you will be able to do it.
Much Love
*PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
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