Failure sucks. And besides the
fear of death, it is one of the things we as human are absolutely terrified of
after the fear of rejection. So we sit in our little corner, we try to play it
safe and remain in the comfort zone. But from all I have learned in life, all
the amazing experiences I ever have, all the amazing people I crossed path
with, it all came from getting out of the comfort zone and risking it all.
A very good and close friend of
mine, a sister of heart I should even say told me something that really remind
the quote that goes by: “ If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”
She told me that when it comes to
relationships, we shouldn’t be afraid to fail and we should be able to go back
on our feet and try again, as many time as we can, until we finally get what we
were looking for. Now looking at my very inglorious emotional past and
relationship career, I immediately told her that another relationship failure
would be fatal for me and I don’t know if I could get over it. But deep down I
knew that I could. I just said it because with the wears and tears of getting
your heart thrown on the ground and stepped over, it takes much longer to
recover. It takes more effort to consolidate the broken pieces. It takes more
will power to get off the couch and find your way back to life because well… it
hurts like a motherfucker to be hurt, especially when it comes to your heart.
But the truth is you learn to get over it and you move on. You eventually
forget the pain but you don’t forget what it taught you. And this is what I
have learned from my past failed relationships.
1. Be
the mature one.
For
a relationship to work at least one grown up is required but ideally and in
order to have the optimal conditions reunited for a blossoming relationship,
two grownups is the norm. Two can play the Ego game but pride has never been a
great guest in any relationship. So if you care about your relationship and the
person you are in it with and if that person cannot act their actual age, you
need to get above and beyond the childish whim and tantrums they throw and be
the mature one.
2. Don’t
speak under the influence.
And
here of course, I am speaking mostly about any type of alcohol and drug (including your hormones) but more specifically
under the influence of your emotions. When anger and hurt strike, there are so
many things that we say that we either immediately regret or that we regret the
next morning, after (of course) processing how hung over we are and vaguely
remembering that WWIII happened in your kitchen and somehow ended with you
falling asleep with a bottle of wine on the couch, while doing a SATC marathon
to calm your nerves. Sometimes the things we regret are the
ones we don’t mean that and that we say just to hurt the other person we engage
in an argument with. Some other times, it is the things we mean, the legitimate
concerns we raise that lose their validity as soon as we start yelling because
we are getting our point across the wrong way. I have never been a great
communicator but one thing I have learned to do is to shut down when a
situation becomes so confrontational that I know if I open my mouth it is going
to be Armageddon. I have learned to walk away from conflict not because I am a
coward, but because some words can hurt more than sticks and stones and once
words are said, they can only be forgiven but not forgotten.
3. Don’t
try to change your partner.
Don’t
fall in love with potential: fall in love with the person you are in a
relationship with or you are about to be in a relationship with. Potential can
be deceiving. If you can’t sign up for what you are being offered, just back
away and decline the offer. But just don’t walk into a relationship thinking
you can change somebody. You don’t have that power. The only way a person can
change is if that person wants to do it. Don’t make the relationship a project,
don’t try to fix the other person
(especially if there is nothing wrong but you somehow convince yourself
that the other person is broken. That’s creepy AF.) , don’t try to make them do
things they do not want to do because the only thing that will get out of this
is frustration and resentment and those are very toxic adds-on to a
relationship. Either take him/her as s/he is or watch her/him as s/he goes.
4. Don’t
say it unless you mean it. 
We
all get caught up in the heat of the moment: the promises of the happily ever
after, the forever and ever, the “always” to quote Isaac from TFIOS. And we
can’t blame ourselves for nothing but our crazy hormones and the infatuations
that blind sides us and make us lose out mind. Be wise with your words and
patient with your heart. Let the steam go down a notch and let your head rest a
little. Let your words be said when your mind is clear and your thoughts in
order. Good things never stemmed out of chaos.
5. Don’t
listen to respond, listen to communicate.
Listen
to your S.O for what it is : to listen. Even during an argument. Don’t listen to
pick things apart and try to blame, convict them. Listen to understand, without
bias; listen to communicate and turn an argument into a two ways street
communication. It is hard but it works.
6. Give
and ask for forgiveness, show grace and mercy , love unconditionally.
"Forgiveness is the Final act of love" ~ Beyoncé
a)
Especially when you feel the urge to bail out. Unless the person is not showing
signs that they want to make it work, always apply those three principles and
b) especially when you are in all your rights to be mad and walk away. To come
back to TFIOS and quote Isaac again
“Love is to keep the promise anyway” and if you promised to make it work
no matter how hard it is, do it. If you promised to stick with each other, love
each other, “agree to disagree on red velvet cake” to quote Paige in The Vows, do it, because the best clap
back to somebody who is giving you hurt (whether they mean it or not) is to
give them love, forgiveness, grace and mercy.
7. If
everything else fails, leave.
The worst thing you can do to yourself if you are in the wrong story is
to stay and be unhappy. So if you have tried everything and nothing is working
or if you just feel like you have given your all and you can’t just keep on
letting your SO other make a fool out of you, leave. Life is too short to be
unhappy and stuck in the wrong story. Leave, close the door behind you and
write a better story than the one that broke your heart and made you cry uncontrollably.
I hope this article helped you and that you found some valuable advices
in it and no matter how many times you fail in love, always remember this :
“success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that
counts”Until next time,
xo
*TFIOS : The Fault In Our Stars
*SATC: Sex And The City
*S.O: Significant Other
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