Breaking Unhealthy Emotional Patterns (Last part)

             A new week, a new article! I am running behind on my schedule but it’s better to be late than not make it. A few weeks ago I started a topic on recognizing unhealthy emotional patterns and taking the appropriate steps to break the cycle. If you haven’t read the first part of this article you can access it here. The first step to solve an issue is to acknowledge that there is an issue in the first place. Things don’t get easier from there but at least you know what you are trying to solve and you can come up with the appropriate strategy and pick the right tools for you to work you way out of the chaos you have been buried under and set yourself free. So without any further due, let me introduce you to my roadmap and/or strategy, hoping you will find some useful tools that can help you figure out where you stand, and hope to proceed to make it where you want to be.

 1- Recognize the triggers & pinpoint when you first experienced whichever emotion you are feeling

You need to be able to figure out what triggered the specific emotions you are experiencing. Unless you do that you will never be able to figure out if there is a specific pattern that is being rereated over and over again because some emotions stem from a deeper place, from deeper wounds. So you need to figure out when was the first time you felt that specific emotion/feeling and why it happened to make a direct connection with the reaction you displayed. Only then will you be able to recognize the patterns and work your way to fix the emotional issues you are confronted with.

2- “Sit in the heartbreak of it”

This is a sentence from Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot because it is one of the things that has helped me in my journey to fix myself. Whatever unresolved issue we carry around unconsciously is still affecting our behavior and emotions because we refused to deal with it. But the only way to move forward is to acknowledge the hurt, the pain or whatever feeling we are experiencing. Acknowledge that it is there, it exists, it is real, put a name on it and talk about why we feel that certain way.

     3- Let it out

This was the hardest steps for me and I am still failing at it from time to time. Letting things out is a big struggle for me because most of my life, all I have ever done was internalize and move on with life. But the truth is I might have been doing well and moving in all the other areas of my life, but emotionally I was still stuck at the same place. There is a vital need to let things out. If you have a hard time like me opening up to people either because you have trust issues or because you don’t feel comfortable talking about things that are personal there are many other ways to let things out:

1. Write about it

    Keep a journal and write. About your emotions, about your struggles, about what it is that is bothering you.

2. Cry

With the years passing, I have noticed that whenever I am experiencing negative feelings, I experience tension in my upper back, neck and shoulders and my plexus is tight. But as soon as I get a good and ugly cry, I can feel the tension go down significantly and the tightness goes away. Sometimes if you can't talk, your body will find ways to get rid of what is bothering you and crying is the most relieving one.

3.  Pray about it.

and say what it on your heart out loud. God knows what is in your heart but it is more of a therapy for you and if you feel the tears coming don’t block them: let them out and let them wash away the sorrows of your soul.

4. Get physical

And I don’t mean start beating up on people. Nope. I mean go to the gym. When the struggle got real about a year ago and that I had reached my breaking point, I started training jiu jitsu and kickboxing. Hitting the bag helped me get rid of the frustration, the anger and the stuff that were bothering me so much that I was constantly twitching. Jiu jitsu on the other end helped me get to that peaceful place mentally and emotionally. It helped me sort out my thoughts and emotions and step off the mat with a clearer mind.

Often times we think that we can navigate through the emotional mess we are going through on our own. sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn’t. And there is no shame to acknowledge that you cannot do it on your own and that you need HELP. And if you do, seek it! whether it is professional help (counselor, therapist, psychologist), spiritual guidance or even a friend/ family member you can talk to and open up to. Do it. Because some burdens are too heavy to carry on your own and sometimes what you need to break free is a push or a person to point you in the right direction.

4- Let it go and move on

Once you have done the work, let out all you had bottled up and that was suffocating you and preventing you to be your absolute best, you need to work on releasing  those negative emotions and memory and take back your power those things had over you. And the only way to reach that destination is by forgiving the people who hurt you and forgiving yourself. And once you do, don't go back and pick it up again. Leave it behind you and keep  moving forward into your purpose and your greatness.

These are the things that I did (and still do) that help me but you are free to come up with your own ways of deal with your emotions and release the pain and the hurt that is blocking you. The struggle is real but the first step to getting better is acknowledging you are not okay and finding the right tools to do what needs to be done to move forward and get rid of the emotional baggage and the mountains you are carrying on your shoulders. Sending you love and good thoughts, hoping this will help you get through any storm you are going through right now.

Until next time,

xo

Thank God For True Friends

Another week, another article right on time for thanksgiving. Usually I would have been racking my mind, wondering about what topic I would talk about but the fuckery I went through this past week (and I am still going through) made my topic of the day a no brainer. I am typing this, waiting for to board my flight and I realize that besides being alive and the many blessings God has poured into my life, I have never been as grateful for friends and family as I am today. I have been blessed to meet a lot of people in my life: some of them are still in the picture, some are gone but I but I can take pride in the solid squad I have been a member of and I am forever grateful for it.

As I was watching Sex and the city few days ago it has struck me how important having friends to support you is important. A soulmate is great but only your friends can see passed the hype of being in a relationship and help you stay grounded. True friends won’t judge you for being you. They will understand why you act a certain way or why you say certain words. They will know what sets you off and if they ever hurt you they will apologize sincerely because your relationship is more important than any disagreement you may have. True friends will know when things are not okay despite without even mentioning it. They will notice that little crack in your voice when you say hello, they will notice how your hug is tighter than usual. They will know by looking into your eyes because your eyes are the mirror of your soul and because they know your soul, they will see the broken pieces floating.

They will be there to hold you when you fall apart and they will help you pick up the pieces. They will wipe your tears, pour you a drink (if they must) and tell you “you will be okay” while stroking your hair, feed you when you refuse to eat because your heartbreak is unbearable and you can’t just find the strength to keep going and just want to starve yourself to death… But most importantly they will be there to pray for you. And it might have seemed trivial years ago but getting older, I realized how important it is, especially in times where you are so heart and soul broken than you can’t even say a word. You just need that one person who is going to hold your hand and pray for you, asking God to fill you with his love and make you whole again.
and if they ever are to meet with somebody who hurt you so bad or did you wrong, they will make sure they curse that person if they ever run into them in the street because they love you and because perhaps they know the exact words you wanted to say but never did because you were too hurt to say.

A true friend will also be there in the good time because “ a friend loves at all times”. They will be there to share your happy moments, your accomplishments. And if they cannot be there, there is a good chance that they have helped you along the way whether it was by keeping you accountable and helping you focus on your objectives or by believing in your even in times where you didn’t. or even by sending you that “break a leg” text before that interview for that job you were so stressed about and ended getting.

Because friendship is not about the big things, but rather about consistency in the small one.

To the ones who stood by me and helped me get back on my feet when I couldn’t do it on my own. Thank you! I am grateful for every single one of you and I pray that God bless you beyond what your mind can conceive.

Much love and happy thanksgiving!

Breaking Unhealthy Emotional Patterns (part 1)

Iyanla vanzant once said : “Feelings buried alive don’t die. They fester and they show up as inappropriate behaviors” and it is not until this year that have I truly understood the meaning of this statement. Although it is true and applies to almost everybody, it has granted black women the label of “Angry black women”

To speak from my own experience, I was not always genuinely angry. I was more withdrawn but always felt like I had to defend myself aggressively, especially when I had to answer questions that had to do with my feelings and my personal life. It is not until recently that I started to pin point triggers that made me feel the way I was feeling. Sometimes people do you wrong, but most of the time the response the incident elicits finds its roots deeper. It finds its roots in unresolved issues, past wounds and feelings that were shoved under the rug in hope that they will go away. But because the brain is wired in such a way that even if your active memory does not remember certain events your unconscious does; and whenever a situation arise that is similar to something you have been through in the past, you will still experience the same feelings and the same emotions.

We are all the results of the choices we make and the way we chose to deal with certain unfortunate situations can make or break us. The approach that I picked, gave me the strength to power through some of the toughest situations I faced in life. Unfortunately, years after choosing to shut down my emotions as a defense mechanism, I still can’t turn off the survival mode that helped me stay alive and strong when time was tough. And the struggle is in no way less real now than when I was going through those tough moments. The struggle is real because the feelings are still alive and the PTSD associated with some of these past events eat me alive everyday. They hide behind every smile, behind every “ I am doing good” and behind every pain I feel in my body. I was so good at compartmentalizing and blocking my emotions that my mind got tired of fighting to let these toxic emotions out and it eventually gave up. But they came under other forms: They showed up as passive aggressive behavior, unusual quietness, irritability and withdrawal from any form of social interaction and sometimes depression. They also hijacked my body and my goodness! Never in a million years did I imagine how internalizing things and carrying such a huge emotional baggage could destroy me physically. It was the headaches, the panic attacks, the migraines, the heart arrhythmias, the high blood pressure, the constant muscle tightness, the chest pains, the insomnia, the weakened immune system, the constant round of antibiotics and the never ending anemia. Everyday there was something new, and my body as well as my health were falling apart in new, amazing way I couldn't even describe to the doctors who were as clueless as I was. But all those discomforts and symptoms I was experiencing was just my body screaming for help, begging me to let it out and let it go.

Women as well as men are taught to be strong and independent and because of this, we are afraid to open up about our struggles. We don’t want to be labeled as weak or be seen as vulnerable. Worst of all, we are afraid of being betrayed so we keep everything to ourselves, shove it under the rug or block those "negative" emotions in hope that whatever it is that is bothering us will go away. We hide behind our titles, material possessions to make up for what is broken inside. We spend time, efforts and money to fix the outside when it is our soul and/or heart that is/are broken. We seek all those distractions outside hoping those unwanted and bothersome feelings/emotions will magically disappear but the truth they won’t. In order for those things to go away there is a need to take a course of action and until this is done, the same patterns will be recreated over and over again. In the next article I will share the roadmap I use to deal with my emotions as an attempt to fully recover after years of killing myself softly and I am hoping it might help someone out there.  

Until then take care of yourself, focus on yourself, on your heart, on your soul. Stop reaching outside to fix what it broken inside because it is only by looking inward that you will be able to do it.

Much Love

*PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Confessions Of A Wounded Healer

It is always more difficult to deal with your own issues, to fight your own demons, to be strong when your world is collapsing. But ask me if I could do it for my family, for my friends and for the people I care about like there is no tomorrow. Ask me and I will tell you that there is nothing I won’t do for those people.  There is no battle I wouldn’t fight for them because love is the where I get my strength from, it is what sets my whole being on fire and make me keep on going well past my limits.

Ask me how painful it is to me to see the people I love hurt, I will tell you it feels like your heart dropping in your stomach and breaking into pieces as if it was a fine porcelain vase that was dropped on the concrete. Ask me about what I would be willing to do to make their pain go away and I would tell you anything.

But then if you asked me about my pain, I would lose my words. I would smile and remain silent because sometimes it comes in waves and when it does, there are nights where I am drowning. So I won’t say a word. I will not hush a word because I would hate to do so and realize that I can’t say a single word without disappearing into a puddle of tears. I won’t say a word because I hate how my heart starts beating faster, how the pain just jumps on me out of nowhere and punches me in the gut without me being able to do anything. I won’t say a word because I hate how my voice starts to crack the minute I start talking and I have to stop midsentence to close my eyes, breathe and ask my body to chill the fuck out because the pain is not here anymore…. Or is it?

And perhaps that is the reason why I am always trying to fix people, comfort them and help them heal… maybe it is because helping them through their pain feels like healing mine. Perhaps being there for them and helping them go through is my therapy, my way of coming to term with my own pain. Or maybe it is just a counter mechanism that kicks in because I know how it feels when people give up on you or When you walk around smiling while carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder, keeping your reputation of a strong and badass chick/guy intact during the day but then rushing to get home because you might give in and collapse under the weight of all that pain and bitterness you carry everyday at any moment.

Perhaps I am working on helping other people heal to distract myself and earn forgiveness for all those times I wasn’t strong enough to stand for myself, for all those time I let myself down. We are the way we are for a reason and sometimes it takes more than a few words to explain it to people. Sometimes it takes them to walk into your shoes, walk your paths and fight the battles you had to fight. The only difference is that I  had to fight mine on your own, in the walled in silent and hiding behind well preserved appearances on day where the pain was bearable.

When you have been through hell and come back, you are never the same person again. Perhaps that is the reason why I am such a chronic wounded healer, walking around mending other people’s wounds and not really caring about mine, even though I am secretly hoping that one day I will be strong enough to heal them. Then maybe a day will come where I won’t be silent when you will ask me about my pain and my wounds. Perhaps that day, I will smile and show you my scars and then I will hug you and tell you that things get better. Perhaps it will be the end of my journey as a wounded healer and the beginning of another as simply a healer...

5 Things You Learn From Being Raised By A Strong Mother

Why… hello there! I know… I know… I have been missing in action lately and nothing comes close to the guilt of leaving you guys on the tip of your toes, waiting for a new article and then post nothing. I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings and I will [try] work hard to build back the trust. The thing is… I hate not having something of substance to share. I feel the same way Adele did when she was recording 21 and she thought she didn’t have THAT song... You know… The one she could connect to people through, the one that make you feel like you got punched in the gut and have a full blown meltdown in the middle of your Wholefood, in the icecram/dairy aisle. I am all about emotions and as a blogger, I am very much like Adele in a sense that I need to write something my audience can identify with. And unless I can do that, I do not have the courage to show up on my platform. I am not the platonic kind. Sorry… phew… okay I feel better. We’re cool now… so.. now that I got that out of the way, let’s dive into the topic of the day: Parenthood from a child perspective. Hopefully there will be more upcoming articles (Hopefully) about that topic which I find quite interesting.

Yeah I know... I was a bit on the heavy side circa 1990s'

As children, we most of the time find our parents annoying when we are not actually trying to get over the embarrassment we think they are for us. We are so used to this train of thoughts that we undervalue the things they have brought into our lives and the values they have passed onto us; values that are being acclaimed because of how awesome and respectable adults they have made us. So today I want to talk about what it was like for me to be raised by a strong mother and what a huge difference it has made into my life. Just FYI, my parents are [very happily] still married [celebrated their 30 yrs anniversary this year] but for the purpose of this article, I am focusing primarily on what I have learned being raised by a strong mother. So without further due, here are the five most important lessons you learn [from my perspective] from being raised by a strong mother.

1-      You don’t take shit from anybody

As a strong woman, my mom has never been the kind of woman to let people walk all over her. She wouldn’t take shit from anybody and if you did something wrong, she would call you on your shit at the very moment. Being a young woman with brain and moxie is difficult but being in a male dominated field is even more difficult. And sometimes people are not very nice, whether it is in the workplace or in real life. Being able to call people on their bs and not take trash being thrown at me has definitely given me the ability to build my confidence and distinguish myself from the crowd. And I am forever grateful for that. Thank you mama ❤

2-      You learn what unconditional love is

Nothing was never too much for my mother: she always gave her best and did her best, giving to each one of her child pieces of herself for us to be whole. And She has instilled that sense of sacrifice in me. It is true that I sometimes come as closed off, unexpressive emotionally but just because I don’t express my love doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I feel it deeply and for the people I love and care about, I would do anything; Anything to make them happy, to ensure that they know they are being loved by pouring my love and t happiness into their lives. I give without expecting anything because by watching my mother do it for me, I have understood that it’s what you do when you love people: you give without expecting anything in return.

3-      You have the capacity / potential to do anything you put your mind to

My mother is my superhero. She could handle any situation and up to this day it still blows my mind. If my mother is onto something I can’t handle on my own, I am 99.9% convinced it’s going to be solved. And I have grown up to be that woman too. Being raised by a strong mother, I have learned to not wait around for somebody to do something for me or save me: I get sh*t done myself and make myself the heroine of my story. I have also learned that the only limit to being the best version of myself and achieve great things in life is my own mind/ beliefs. Why? Because I have seen my mother do it all and big and it made me understand that I have all I need within me to do the same thing.  All I have to do is believe in myself,  tap into those unexploited resources within me to make great things happen.

4-      You can be strong and soft

There is no contradiction here. My mother is a strong woman but she has a soft side. We are so used to that mindset of picking  one or the other that at some point I was confused too. Growing up strong I had that misconception that being soft was a weakness even though, socially, it is more acceptable for a woman to be soft than for a man. But looking up to my mother, I finally got comfortable with the idea that I didn’t have to act like (or be) Superwoman all the time and be strong 24/7. I got comfortable with the idea that I was entitled to feel any type of way I wanted and that it was okay to be in touch with my feminine side, it was okay to be soft (sometimes).

5-      You learn to have faith

In God first and in yourself, trusting that no matter how bad things seem to be, it will all work out in the end and everything will be fine.

Loving Without Expectations Or The Art Of Being Happy In Relationships

Welcome back to your favorite happy place for another article. Today we are going to talk about Love. I know what you are thinking ...

Yeaaaah... I knoooowww... I'll make it quick and as painless as I can. So grab yourself a chair or lay down on the Sofa like we do when we pay hundreds of $ to talk to a psychologist who only cuts us off occasionally to say: "you have some really deep issues"... okay... Thanks I guess... 

Make yourself comfy and let's dive in right away. Let’s talk about love and its implications [told and untold] that one minute drive us crazy about the people we are in a relationship with only to leave us filled with anxiety and on the verge of a panic attack the next one.

Love is a beautiful thing. It is an amazing feeling [when you can actually feel it…] to have. For all the times I didn’t really have a chance to fully embrace it or dive into it without feeling hurt, I still chose to cherish the greatness and happiness I got from briefly waving it “hi” instead of reminiscing/ reliving the hurt I got from it. I chose not to turn into that cynical friend you dread to be around… You know... The one who can’t help but throw some shades at your love story and your new beau, narrating you his/her version of “1000 ways to get your heart broken” or “10 steps to getting your heart in pieces”. No… I turned into the sarcastic one with the naïve smile and the occasional smirk on her face, the one that will pretend she isn’t hurt when in fact she very much is but would rather wait to get home and cry herself to sleep because she doesn't deal well with letting the world see her misery. Yes.. THAT friend... I do believe in love, I do believe it is beautiful but I don’t believe that love is all pink and beautiful and that it is all we see in the movies.

Love is not always that romantic comedy that makes us break in tears happy and wish for a happily ever after. This is not the reality of love. The reality of love is what happens when all the hormones settle down and your haziness from being high on dopamine starts to dissipate. It is what happens when you go back to normal [whatever that means 😒] and that you go from being high for days to having your wings cut. It is that sudden anxiety that you feel when you realize you are free falling and about to crash but you hope you won’t because "in theory" your significant other should be there to catch you. And sometimes they are and it is wonderful! But sometimes they don’t and nothing comes close to the hurt you experience at that moment. It is devastating… And though the pain you might experience could be anywhere similar to being punched in the gut and the balls at the same time [for months until you finally move on], some of us are able to walk away with minor emotional trauma that resolves within days, weeks, months (depending on the individual) and a slightly bruised ego, while some other just land in the ER, in a non reactive coma. Been there many times, occasionally waking up from my emotional coma, only to ask myself how was it possible for a human being to suffer that much pain over and over again… The answer to my question came when I stopped jumping from one relationship to another in hope that it will mend my broken heart, and started focusing on what was happening inside of me.

I understood that love didn’t put me there. Love is a dangerous beautiful thing. It is the expectations we carry and impose to the person we are about to start that emotional journey with that beat us to death, before hijacking the parachute and tricking us to jump off the plane; and next thing you know, you are crashing on the concrete. Sounds scary huh? That’s because it is scary. The moment you crash is the moment the frustrations hit, the arguments, the cold shoulder and/ or sometimes the cold war and God forbid you are a child stuck in the middle of all this chaos. Your stake on love will forever be altered and good luck being an emotionally stable human being again.

As I was in emotional rehab working on myself by myself for myself, the only question that was on my mind was: how can I possibly prevent this from happening again? And if it ever happens, how do I minimize the casualties should I do one or more rounds of this bittersweet suffering? I asked myself this question because I knew that if I kept on doing what I was doing I would turn into your cynical friend I mentioned earlier who you grew tired off and eventually unfriended on Facebook, blocked on Snapchat, Whatsapp, Viber, Imo, and also IRL. I didn’t want that to happen to me. I didn’t want to be that type of person. And to my question, some people’s answer was to build walls around my heart to protect it. In theory it works great but in reality, you confine yourself in a very lonely place emotionally and while you are protecting yourself from being hurt, you are also protecting yourself from being happy.  And who wants to live a safe but unhappy life? Maybe some people do but I didn’t.

My epiphany about how expectations could ruin everything before things even started led me to learn how to walk into relationships without expectations; and if this was impossible, helped me keep them very minimal. I have learned not to expect the good nights and good morning calls/ texts and the fluffy stuff that came with being in a relationship. And when my heart was too wild and loving beyond reason, I learned to not expect too much because I couldn’t sustain the hurt and pain that came with being disappointed. I tend to have very high expectations for myself and as a human being, I most of the time fail to hold them, hence disappointing myself at many occasion. So if I can’t hold these expectations, why do I expect somebody to hold them? I have learned to not expect somebody to fix me, mend my broken heart, cure my debilitating loneliness, fill the void I experience more than I would ever like to acknowledge or be my hero and save me from the monsters of my past that more than once have come back to haunt me. I don’t expect somebody to be my everything and I don’t expect somebody to make me his/her everything because the amount of pressure and the unrealistic expectations that come with it are untold of and highly unrealistic! And it wouldn’t be fair to put somebody through that because this is not their job!

The most important thing when it comes to expectations is to not expect somebody to love you when they actually don’t and no matter how hard it is to love someone without being love in return, you have to accept it. Learning to be happy in a relationship starts with being happy alone and this calls to your ability to be self-reliant and to look within yourself for all those things you are seeking through a relationship. It starts with your ability to be independent and keep your expectations from your Significant other non-existent or, at best, minimal because you know that all you need lies within you.

Don’t wait for somebody to make you smile, be happy or give you validation: do it yourself, create your own happiness. Don’t wait for somebody to be your hero: be your own hero, write your own story. There is a power that stems from the ability to be self-reliant and fuels your desire to be happy in a relationship that can only be reached once you have mastered the art of expecting nothing. And until you learn how to do that, being happy will remain nothing but a foreign concept which you will never be able to fully grasp.

What I Have Learned From My Failed Relationships.

Failure sucks. And besides the fear of death, it is one of the things we as human are absolutely terrified of after the fear of rejection. So we sit in our little corner, we try to play it safe and remain in the comfort zone. But from all I have learned in life, all the amazing experiences I ever have, all the amazing people I crossed path with, it all came from getting out of the comfort zone and risking it all.

A very good and close friend of mine, a sister of heart I should even say told me something that really remind the quote that goes by: “ If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.”

She told me that when it comes to relationships, we shouldn’t be afraid to fail and we should be able to go back on our feet and try again, as many time as we can, until we finally get what we were looking for. Now looking at my very inglorious emotional past and relationship career, I immediately told her that another relationship failure would be fatal for me and I don’t know if I could get over it. But deep down I knew that I could. I just said it because with the wears and tears of getting your heart thrown on the ground and stepped over, it takes much longer to recover. It takes more effort to consolidate the broken pieces. It takes more will power to get off the couch and find your way back to life because well… it hurts like a motherfucker to be hurt, especially when it comes to your heart. But the truth is you learn to get over it and you move on. You eventually forget the pain but you don’t forget what it taught you. And this is what I have learned from my past failed relationships.

1. Be the mature one.

For a relationship to work at least one grown up is required but ideally and in order to have the optimal conditions reunited for a blossoming relationship, two grownups is the norm. Two can play the Ego game but pride has never been a great guest in any relationship. So if you care about your relationship and the person you are in it with and if that person cannot act their actual age, you need to get above and beyond the childish whim and tantrums they throw and be the mature one.

2. Don’t speak under the influence.

And here of course, I am speaking mostly about any type of alcohol and drug (including your hormones) but more specifically under the influence of your emotions. When anger and hurt strike, there are so many things that we say that we either immediately regret or that we regret the next morning, after (of course) processing how hung over we are and vaguely remembering that WWIII happened in your kitchen and somehow ended with you falling asleep with a bottle of wine on the couch, while doing a SATC marathon to calm your nerves. Sometimes the things we regret are the ones we don’t mean that and that we say just to hurt the other person we engage in an argument with. Some other times, it is the things we mean, the legitimate concerns we raise that lose their validity as soon as we start yelling because we are getting our point across the wrong way. I have never been a great communicator but one thing I have learned to do is to shut down when a situation becomes so confrontational that I know if I open my mouth it is going to be Armageddon. I have learned to walk away from conflict not because I am a coward, but because some words can hurt more than sticks and stones and once words are said, they can only be forgiven but not forgotten.

3. Don’t try to change your partner.

Don’t fall in love with potential: fall in love with the person you are in a relationship with or you are about to be in a relationship with. Potential can be deceiving. If you can’t sign up for what you are being offered, just back away and decline the offer. But just don’t walk into a relationship thinking you can change somebody. You don’t have that power. The only way a person can change is if that person wants to do it. Don’t make the relationship a project, don’t try to fix the other person  (especially if there is nothing wrong but you somehow convince yourself that the other person is broken. That’s creepy AF.) , don’t try to make them do things they do not want to do because the only thing that will get out of this is frustration and resentment and those are very toxic adds-on to a relationship. Either take him/her as s/he is or watch her/him as s/he goes.

4. Don’t say it unless you mean it.

We all get caught up in the heat of the moment: the promises of the happily ever after, the forever and ever, the “always” to quote Isaac from TFIOS. And we can’t blame ourselves for nothing but our crazy hormones and the infatuations that blind sides us and make us lose out mind. Be wise with your words and patient with your heart. Let the steam go down a notch and let your head rest a little. Let your words be said when your mind is clear and your thoughts in order. Good things never stemmed out of chaos.

5. Don’t listen to respond, listen to communicate.

Listen to your S.O for what it is : to listen. Even during an argument. Don’t listen to pick things apart and try to blame, convict them. Listen to understand, without bias; listen to communicate and turn an argument into a two ways street communication. It is hard but it works.

6. Give and ask for forgiveness, show grace and mercy , love unconditionally.

"Forgiveness is the Final act of love" ~ Beyoncé

a) Especially when you feel the urge to bail out. Unless the person is not showing signs that they want to make it work, always apply those three principles and b) especially when you are in all your rights to be mad and walk away. To come back to TFIOS and quote Isaac again  “Love is to keep the promise anyway” and if you promised to make it work no matter how hard it is, do it. If you promised to stick with each other, love each other, “agree to disagree on red velvet cake” to quote Paige in The Vows, do it, because the best clap back to somebody who is giving you hurt (whether they mean it or not) is to give them love, forgiveness, grace and mercy.

7. If everything else fails, leave.

The worst thing you can do to yourself if you are in the wrong story is to stay and be unhappy. So if you have tried everything and nothing is working or if you just feel like you have given your all and you can’t just keep on letting your SO other make a fool out of you, leave. Life is too short to be unhappy and stuck in the wrong story. Leave, close the door behind you and write a better story than the one that broke your heart and made you cry uncontrollably. 

I hope this article helped you and that you found some valuable advices in it and no matter how many times you fail in love, always remember this : “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”

Until next time,
xo


*TFIOS : The Fault In Our Stars
*SATC: Sex And The City
*S.O: Significant Other

Broke And Addicted

Welcome back to another article, one that I hope you can resonate with (you know I keep it real!). I still don’t have the magic formula for a one size fits all opening act for my articles. What a bummer… I know right? But really who needs something generic when you can have something special and extraordinary? Still working on delivering the extraordinary and when I successfully figure out how to make it happen, you’ll be the first person to know (I guarantee you!!!!) 

Too much talk and not enough time to say all I have to say and considering that time is money, I will get straight to the heart of my post: Money!!!!! I used to tell my sister that “money is just paper” but it is ironic how not having “paper” in your bank account or your wallet can make you go from happy to depressive as soon as you open your mailbox.

Hit me with the Rosé before I get the blues…

I feel like there is some sort of vortex where my money disappears as soon as I get paid! It’s like playing hide and seek with my paycheck except that once my money hides it’s all gone and I think I have gotten sick of that game. So I stopped playing… And consolidating my checkbook and bank account because quite franckly it is boring and the sight of how much money I spend on things that do not make me happy and do not go on display in my closet depress me even more. I was just tired of being jumped trying to live life as an adult.

current situation

So… I took another approach on money which I must admit put me in a much worse position: I started shopping and treating myself as many times as I can afford to. And one thing I can say about that is that it doesn’t happen often enough. However when it happens I am like an addict in a crackhouse. My debit card is on fire and my bank account drowning. Sounds familiar? You bet it does! I am not a heavy shopper but I enjoy quality things you know… staples a.k.a designer. And when I say designer, it is designer everything: clothes, bags, shoes, wallets, watches… And “OMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” is literally the question I ask myself once the adrenaline from swiping my card and unboxing all I have paid is all settled down.

Me... After every single purchase I make, the most recent being a bag... Although the regrets lasted about 5 min... yeah whatever...

I do tend to think that I am in a toxic relationship with money and shopping and although it has gotten better with the years there are still relapse moments that do more damage than one swipe a week I swear… Know that say that goes by “don’t go grocery shopping when you are hungry”? well here is a better one “ Don’t go shopping when you bank account is loaded”… I mean if you work you butt off like me but you’re still finding yourself drowning under bills and want a break from the ridiculous overdraft fees charged by your bank then this is the advice for you; but if you are rich please ignore that suggestion (and *maybe* you can send some “paper” my way acknowledging you have indeed “ignored” my suggestion… no? well at least I tried).

I feel like for me shopping on a full bank account gives me a freedom that I don’t have in reality. It is just a delusional moment like being on bad acid where you feel like you’re invincible but the minute you go home and open your mailbox the monologue between your inner rich self and your in-reality broke self is on and about to go on until your next pay period. And this is not even the worst part! Hold on it gets worst! The worst part is the idea of looking all cute in all those designer stuff you bought but you can’t wear it because you can’t go out because you are broke!!! Ironic right? I know… I live that irony everyday…If I was getting a dollar every time I was broke I’d probably be a millionaire and of course my sister would be a billionaire… I’ll let that one sink for a minute…

If only scrap paper could turn into money or if we could live off monopoly bills and turn them into IOUs… But who am I kidding.. Life is not a wish granting factory…Well at least payday is coming so let’s toast to more bills and an even bigger monologue because my account is about to be loaded and we all know what that means…

Pretty sure maxing out my card comes first... So if you will excuse me... There is a ridiculous amount of designer goods waiting for me...

A Heartfelt Open Letter To My Seventeen Years Old Self

Sometimes I think about my life and how it has turned. And like I always say, “It hasn’t turned the way I thought it would and how I wanted it to but I’m okay with it” because no matter how messed up my life was sometimes, I have learned many things that shaped me, my character and made me who I am today and in a sense, I am proud of that. I wish back then I had the knowledge and insight I had on life now but what good would it have done to me? Sure, I wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes I made but isn’t the purpose of life to learn through trials and errors? Well... I surely did. Because 99% of the decisions we make stem  from (or are influenced by) the internet (thanks Google) I thought I would put the little knowledge and insignificant insight I have gained on life to use and somehow help somebody out there, looking for the answers I didn’t have growing up; answers I had to figure out on my own, most of the time the wrong and hardest way. So if I had to write a letter to my 17 years old self, this is what I would say….

Dear seventeen years old self,

Let me start by giving you a great advice I wish I had considered back then: enjoy our high school years, enjoy your college years because these will be the most amazing years of your life. Don’t rush to get to adulthood just because you believe it rhymes with freedom. I am here now and I can guarantee you it is nothing like what you are envisioning so don’t rush. Enjoy the long days doing nothing, enjoy the chance you have of living life without any liabilities because once you become an adult that’s all you will get: Liabilities. Enjoy the friendships you are forming right now and nurture them because some of them will give birth to the strongest sisterhood bonds you had never imagined, bonds that are almost stronger than the one that links you to your siblings.

I know right now you are telling yourself that your life sucks. You are trying to recover from that huge heartbreak that shattered your heart into pieces. You are laying down awake all night wondering if you will ever get over it. Wondering if one day you will be able to smile again, to love again, to think about him without crying uncontrollably. And let me tell you, you will. I know it sounds silly right now because you feel like you are losing you mind but you will. I know it is hard because you thought he was your forever and that you would make it to the happily ever after and all of the sudden, your dream turned into a nightmare and you can’t seem to be able to wake up. It sucks I know… But you will get over it. Why? Because you are strong, you just don’t know it yet. You will get back on your feet because you are resilient and because great things await for you ahead.

                                                                                                                                                               

My Scars tell a story. They are a reminder of times when life tried to break me but failed.

They are markings of where the structure of my character was welded. 

 Steve Maraboli

                                                                                                                                                              

And as tempting as it sounds to jump into a new relationship to forget about your heartache, I will give you an advice contrary to the popular opinion: don’t do it. Give yourself time to heal. Don’t hide your emotions by diving head first into work, don’t hide your emotions by secluding yourself into a castle of ice, pretending nothing hurt. It will destroy you and kill you from the inside. And believe me there is nothing sadder than to live life when you are dead on the inside. Be honest about your feelings. Don’t shut down when you are hurt and have issues. I know it is what life seems to be teaching you right know because of all the betrayal you are experiencing right now. You feel like you cannot trust anybody and that the entire world is against you. But you have to find the courage to open up and speak up about how you feel. That the only way you will heal, that is the only way you will make it alive and sane.

If you have to scream and cry for the world to hear how desperate you are do it. Silence is never an option. Cutting yourself is never an option. Drinking to the point where you pass out is not an option. The pain will be back again tomorrow and I don’t want you to get caught up in a vicious cycle that will slowly lead you to the grave. You are smart, loving, caring and full of potential. Don’t let what you are going through today be a good enough reason to turn off the light and give up on the future. Things will get better, I promise you. Yes sometimes you will feel like you don’t really know what you are doing, you will mess up quite a few times around but it’s okay. See, being adult is like looking left and right for incoming car in an attempt to not get ran over but then you get hit by a plane. I know… It sounds horrible but the good news is that one day you will stand in a place where you will turn your mess into a message and if that doesn’t cheer you up well, I don’t know what else will. Will you ever meet the Mr right? You will… But unfortunately it will be the wrong timing. Your head will be too full of dreams and ambitions, he won’t understand how driven you are and you won’t understand how passionate and in love he is and how you not being there for him is crushing his soul. But then, you putting a cross on your dreams will not be an option so you will leave, heartbroken, but still hoping that he will find someone able to love him and be there for him in ways you couldn’t.

                                                                                                                        

We had the right love at the bad time

                                                                                                                            

Moving through life, you will reach a point where people will constantly judge you and try to change you. Don’t follow. Always remember that you have never been a follower and never will be (I know I am the future you). Do you and live your life. A lot of people will leave your life for that reason, because you don’t fit the ideal they had of you and you don't fit into their mold. You will also burn a lot of bridges which now seem to mean a lot to you but down the road will end up being dead ends that will lead you to the same hurts, tears, resentment and angers. Some of them will be very hard to burn but you will thank yourself for doing it. Despite all you will be going through you will still have a heart to love and care even for the people who hurt you. Why? Because this is who you are and nothing/ nobody can change it.

I know right now you think your parents are annoying but trust me…. Years go by fast and people are not eternal... You will realize it the hard way. Love them while you still can and don’t spend a day without being grateful for them. They are going above and beyond what they can do to give you a bright future and the least you can do is to be appreciative for that. And to be honest, even though you are not the worst kid to raise, you are not the easiest either and for that, you must give them credit.

                                                                                                                                                              

Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old

                                                                                                                                                             

I will end my letter by giving you the greatest advice of all time I had to find out on my own and it was an epiphany that led me to living a better life. Life is not perfect but it is what it is. take one day at the time and enjoy every single second of it. Always see the positive in the negative and let nothing/ no one steal/ kill your joy. At some point you will spend life in your own corner: don’t be afraid to spend time with yourself. Get to know yourself and learn to be happy and content being by yourself. Understand that happiness is an inside job and you are the one in charge of your own happiness. Never let somebody convince you of the contrary. You cannot know the answers to all the question you have in life or about your future, but as long as you remain attached to the Lord and trust His word and His plan for you, you will make it safely to where you are meant to be. Great things awaits for your miss, and believe me they are worth everything you are going through right now. When things will get unbearable get to your knees and pray and remember in the midst of trials and persecution that “this too shall pass”.

So be courageous and strong my love because things get better and I promise you, they will.

Much love,

Your twenty-five years old self.