Most of the time people have a hard time when it comes to open up to and let all of the crap out. But why should it be that way when it is easier to share our emotions when we are happy or excited about something good?
Why is it harder to connect with people through our “negative emotions” than through our “positive emotions”?
I grew up in quite a happy environment, friends, and family. It was like living on lala land you know everything was almost perfect in “the best possible world" you can ever picture. But then at some point, I went through some troubled waters and the turmoil started. I would put on the mask of that happy person everyone thought I was and fake my perfect happiness even though I was broken from the inside. When I was alone I would let out my tears but once I was in front of people I would just pretend and well it worked quite a bit. Then my burden became heavier. I was completely absorbed in that fight against that dark and ugly side of my emotions I never really knew about. I was mobilizing all my resources in that battle that seemed to become harder with time: my strength, my time, my brain (when I could turn it on and think). I was trying everything so that I could revive my soul, just to come back to life because at this point I knew that emotionally I was dead and being dead emotionally is probably one of the hardest truth to accept and live with. It was like living in another world, I shut myself down, I wouldn’t talk to people or stay around them and fake the happiness as I used to do because I couldn’t find the strength to do so anymore. Everything inside me was screaming for help but I couldn’t say a word, my mouth would stay sealed.
I was scared and upset every time someone would come to me and say : “ are you okay? You look so distant and quiet.” I was scared because people have always seen me strong and know they would see me as a weak and vulnerable person? How would this sound like? Just the idea of people saying that I am not as strong as I looked was driving me crazy. It was a really ugly feeling I was foreign too and I was certainly not about to accept it as something normal. No it was not normal!!! No it was a shame!!!!! How could this happen to me?? Really??? Come on!! I used to fight with people stronger than me and beat them up (not every time but…). Did I really look like someone that could be all wobbly and stuff? Well I didn’t look like but I surely was that vulnerable and emotionally weak… I was thinking about ways to ease my pain, to let it out because I was just exhausted. Then I started to write… one word, two, a phrase, one sentence, and two, a story, poem. All I needed was just a piece of paper and a pen and I would do wonders. I was feeling hopeless, lost, sad, angry, desperate, vulnerable but it was amazing how from these ugly emotions I created beautiful and soul touching chef-d’oeuvre (I thought and I still think it was crap but some people actually liked it so what can I say??). It has been 7 years since I started writing and and I still am. I had a low period for a little while but I went back to my first love thanks to someone who inspired me to do so. Kind of crazy sometimes, really pushing me beyond my limits when it comes to write original stuffs, and he thinks he is the best which is not true… He is totally awesome! (Oh I am going to regret that but nevermind…). He is very demanding sometimes and I am like: “How does he want me to do that??? I don’t even know where to start from!?!” well he will make me start from crap and end up with something magnificent and meaningful to people even if it still looks like crap to me!
Writing really brought me back to life. I found the strength to let my emotions out, to get something beautiful from the ugliest emotions I had been in touch with for a long period of my life and it was definitely one of my biggest satisfaction and achievement until now.
I found the strength to open up to people I knew and to some people who were total strangers to me. I was vulnerable yes but I guess it is that part that created the connection between me and the people reading my writings. I mean look at Adele how she talks about her love misfortune and misery, how she opens up to total strangers about how she feels about her ex b.f in her song “someone like you”. It is simply touching and beautiful because yes she is vulnerable but mostly because everyone can relate to that feeling! You know how it feels and you know how much it takes to let it all out and I would give everything and love someone like that until my last breath.
Today what I wanted you to know is that it is okay to let out your emotions, to be vulnerable because it is the way you connect to other people and get closer. It is okay not to be a superhero, to get in touch with that human side of you whether is by feeling hurt, miserable, hopeless or even heartbroken…
So look away from fear and people judgments, erase that “vulnerability is ugly” stereotype, take a deep breath and get some courage and dare to let the beauty come out.
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